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I have to hop over to my grandparents later this morning to install a therapeutic tub, most likely lacking sleep and having no idea what I'm doing. I wonder if this can be used as an example of teamwork for my next job interview? That aside, I feel very bitter over helping them and it's causing me to be disgusted at myself for not wanting to help.

I could grab a nap but, I would wake up tired and then I'm a bit of a jerk and I don't want to put my dad through that before we head over so I'll just stay up.

I decided to post this ahead of time because I always know I'll be grumpy about something, I really need to work on that.

Today, I went to my brothers house for a birthday BBQ for his fiancee. She turned 24 today and we all had burgers, chicken, corn on the cob and chocolate cake to celebrate. I got to meet my soon to be sister-in-laws family, a sweet old woman named May who reminds me a lot of my long gone great grandmother (and she was very friendly!) and her husband Bobby who apparently worked with my dad back a few years ago and me and him had a chat over hunting doves. I spent some time with my soon to be niece and she's pretty used to calling me uncle now. I taught her how to play Mario and then we all went home and me and my bro exchanged local cigarettes. The city has a lot of great tasting brands for cheap.

It was a really great day.

Also 9 cancer sticks down and I didn't barf my lungs up. Finds out I was getting sick from ghosting too long, but I fixed that habit and now I'm able to enjoy smoking again.

You could setup a livestream if you haven't yet. Just use the webcam of your laptop to stream your drawing process. Should work wonders.

Thanks guys for the support. It means the world to me right now.

Rinkel, might be solar flares. We had a few fire off that took down radio networks for an hour on the 12th. Of course it's really far fetched so I wouldn't hold it down to a science. Also, wish you luck on your driving test. It's pretty fun once you get the swing of it. My older brother is a genius and he failed his test 3 times. He's a better driver than my parents now.

There was a loss in the family today, it was our pup and this is spoiled because it is very sad but I had to get it off my chest.

[spoiler]I've been holding back tears all evening, I woke up at 8 tonight and our pup didn't make it. We guess that she may of swallowed a piece of canvas and that caused her intestines to be blocked, the tissue died, it explained her throwing up and she went peacefully. Dad sat with her outside, gave her some egg and she ate it and right now I'm feeling like breaking down and screaming my head off at how unfair I think the world is and that I don't feel like I lost a pet but more like a friend. When we first got her at 3 months old the little angel really brightened my life up and I smiled more and more in front of people, I loved her a lot I loved hugging her and I loved being with her and I loved her she was like a best friend. She was so cute and fun and she was so sweet to our other animals and even the baby kittens we have. She was God's angel to me and the perfect friend I needed to be myself and to smile and enjoy life. I love her a lot and so did our other pets and now our pets are looking for her and little Skamp our rescue dog who was normally kind of mean to her (it was about alpha status and not he was mean, he still loved her) and it really broke my heart that he looked for her, is he feeling bad for being mean? I feel bad for making so many promises to the pup and saying "we'll make sure you're fine" "you are looking so much better" and all the time I lied, I knew she was dying, I could feel it and I bonded with her and every person or animal I ever met on it's death bed always slowly came to grip with it and it's such an unfair feeling to know that they are being stolen from this life to never live it in full and it happened to my own brother, he lived because we could help but our pup couldn't live because we couldn't help. When we first got her we thought we had money to help her live long and we didn't, my mom is blaming herself for it and had to take meds to put herself to sleep, my dad is holding back from crying and I try to be strong for him and I hug them and I let them know they did a damn fine job and..

I feel like they will be able to move on with so many losses but I'm so sad right now that I can't contain it and it hurts. I feel her still, I want her to move on and I want her to be free and I don't want to hold her back to be stuck in limbo. BUT, I can't help it I don't want to let her go, I am letting her go I talked to God every freaking minute I could gather up the balls to do and I God honestly want her to be happy but I'm so worried and it's just making me think of more dying animals and humans and how I can't help them and how confused and scared they are and then how I will be when I die.

Life is so unfair at times but it works, it works really well but it hurts so much that I want to just numb the pain.

I'm so sorry if this upset anyone or ruined their night but I couldn't speak up about it without bursting into frantic tears and I feel this is controlled enough to express my thoughts so thank you for reading this I really appreciate it and you're a great person for giving me the time.[/spoiler]

I gave Sassy Pants a watch on Netflix this morning. Totally was a lot better than I was expecting. I originally saw it and it caught my interest with Ashley Rickards on the cover. I liked the design and it gave me that "this could be something amazing" vibe.



I hesitated to watch it, thinking it was going to be too girly (I say that with the hopeful intent no one is offended, sorry if the exact opposite occurred) and overall I didn't want my mom (who already worries about me enough) to see it on her Netflix recently watched list.

BUT I highlighted Ashely Rickards as a personal favorite female lead so I HAVE TO WATCH IT, I just honestly really loved this movie. It was kind of no bullshit and I could relate to Bethany (played by Ashley Rickards) and her situation of quite frankly, being deprived of important information. She starts out as VERY AWKWARD and slowly let's her inner rebel take over, she wants to change her situation and she goes out and does it. I won't go into heavy detail but I can greatly say that this is a good coming-of-age story. It's very real in a way and I really enjoyed the depth of the characters and the deadpan humor is my favorite. I laughed at several parts both the intended humor and parts that were just plan awkward or family conversation related because I just GOT what they said and it really brightened my day. There were parts where I was clutching my fists and screaming "NO YOU BITCH" and other parts where I was going "I love this gay guy, he's kinda meh but he's so damn energizing" and then another part of me was simply inspired by Bethany and I feel that even young men will enjoy this movie.

So, I say watch it if you get the chance. It's streaming on Netflix.

I might buy this and add it to my collection it just played out so well. There were even actors in it that I disliked and I started to like them after watching this.

Such a good flick.

Today, I drew a boring lame comic.

THEN I WENT OUTSIDE AT 4AM TO HAVE A GIANT SHADOW PUPPET PLAY ON THE SIDE OF MY HOUSE YEAAAA!!

Smartphones make awesome flashlight thanks to the flash being bright as a car light. I set it down in my lap and sat in the grass and proceeded to act out Godzilla with my hands in the shape of a rabbit and a dinosaur.

The sad part is I was the only person who got an 80 inch up close presentation.

Ah well, I should get some props and do this as a street act, I wouldn't even expect donations, doing it would be fun as hell.

Thank you I really appreciate this information. We've got a hold of some supplies to make sure she is in a very clean setup and we're also doing our best to keep her emotionally sound.

She's gotten better lately and even looked at our cat and got a little excited. I think right now her problem with eating and drinking has to do with her nose being clogged. We don't think it's anything up in her head because it's not really infected and pretty clean but once she's able to smell again we are sure she'll be able to get back to routine.

Now I'm just wondering how to help her get her nose unstopped faster. I'm not planning to give her a jalapeno or anything but I wonder if there is some type of medicine for it?

Anyway thanks again, the information that it can be recurring helps us a lot.

My pup is going to be fine! WOOO!

She's a little afraid to eat or drink because she's been sick but we found out it's worms and they are easy to get rid of, like really easy. We have the proper meds for her and she's been getting lots of hugs from everyone and the other animals are taken turns watching over her at night. I couldn't feel any more happier than ever.

It will take a bit to get our pup back in her playful stride but she will live and oh jesus I'm just so happy I've never loved a dog so much in my life. It's really making me appreciate my other pets too and they've been getting annoyed by all the extra hugs and attention I give them now lol.

Woo!

I'm really digging Awkward on MTV.

Now before I lost your attenti... hello?

Anyway! I find it very interesting, it's not the perfect representation of what goes down and I'm sure younger users will disagree with me but as a 19 year old Male, I totally feel legit creepy for watching this show, which is shortly thereafter followed by girl code... which ironically has better tips than guy code... anyway, so Awkward is pretty much the story of a young gal (like 17? probably 20 or so irl) and her misadventures in school with a crazy mother, a best friend who talks a lot but has her moments and is the target of the bitch squad as we follow her juicy adventures with love, every day drama, trying to maintain her blog we also find out about the supporting characters, we find out over time that the bitch is a bitch for a reason and what's going on in the heads of the male characters. Also, the female lead apparently trusts the school counselor who is pretty much the same as a best friend, just way older and always shooting off crazy ideas.

This show is a bit of a guilty pleasure. I always find myself watching it whenever it's on.

Also, Elementary is coming up to it's 2 hour season finale on Thursday at 9 on CBS and I'm balls to the wall excited for it.

Our new pup is about 8 months old now and after eating some bad trash (we tried to keep her out of it) she has a stomach ache and is acting very uninterested in everything for the past few days now. I wonder if there is some type of pill to help her or if this is a case of waiting out what she ate?

We'll take her to a vet soon but I'm worried and I don't know how to help her other than try and relax her.

Today, I proved once again that violence can solve problems. I couldn't get our cheap convectional oven to work so I just lost it and crushed my fist into the panel and suddenly it works like new.

I swear I should be a super hero. I'll be The Fixer.

Also, I can finally speak clearly to the point where no one is saying "what" over and over. But I have to use the local accent so that means sounded like a hick to even say anything correctly.

Either I was just forcing myself to speak the wrong accent all along (which seems silly to me) or I just have to adapt to communicate better with my peers.

If they are full of it they can have it.

It happens enough that I literally don't mind the hypocrite status that might bring.

I really dislike people that like to point out flaws in others. I was reading the comments on a skateboard graphic poll and some kid said the name of a sponsor, this other kid (kids being both 18) who has a dragonball z picture set as his cover (goku in saiyan, wow, originality there folks), wearing big ass emo hair and it's dirty in the picture and all frizzed out, totally not grunge, techno or even fit for a rats nest. Fake hipster shades with no lens, an ironic t-shirt, a dirty mirror with the flash on pretty much obscuring part of his face.

And this guy thinks he can tell someone who dresses right and actually tries to be a part of the culture he's a poser? That guys the poser trying to get in good when he looks like a little girl.

I would call him a troll but he rides a Rob Dyrdek Alien Workshop deck. The guy who has that MTV show and sponsors the $50 helmet cam.

Seriously, biggest poser I've seen since I looked in the mirror at 15.

I normally won't pick on people but when you're that big of a try hard and then make it a mission to be a brat about it then you get a reality check. Now if your just goofy and you work it like a rock star who isn't a dick to his fans then more power to you. I like quirky style when it's not decorating an anus.

/rant

(edited out some of the language, I gotta clean that up)

Wrote mom a poem before she went to her crappy job.

She smiles silly.

(you guys can steal my idea if you need a quick gift idea, just try to rhyme words and focus on positive things and don't be afraid to thank her for all your nifty things and if not, tell her you want to throw back a pint of jager with her if she's cool like that)

Interesting point that I completely overlooked. My bad.

I finally got around to watching The Hunger Games. Greatest movie I've ever seen, hands down no revote from me until I find another movie even better.

Watch it, I recommend it. You will like it and if you don't, well your open minded and your cool in my book.

Seriously, it's on netflix streaming, go watch it.

I'm not here to discuss this, just to say it's possible. Your point is valid and you obviously put too much thought into this alone so I give you the pleasure of knowing I read what you said.

But I still stick to my guns.

Also I should of phrased what I said better "CF comic artists aren't known for their mona lisas". Some can do a damn fine job but there's definitely people who can't even do a decent stick figure out there.

Again, my guns, in my holster.

If you really want to know why I'm so fucked up all the time, read ALL this... but you can skim it too, it's like a short novel.. this is the real me and I feel super afraid of sharing it with you all.

[spoiler]It's irking me how things are playing out but I'm trying to keep up a good karma score. I'm mostly angry at myself for not being able to provide more to people. Not exactly the door mat that many people would like but more of leaving a mark. Not something to define a generation or to write a new song about but to leave a mark that I believe in and I think is true and the only way that is possible is to go far out of my comfort zone and that frightens me.

It's cruel how things play out and I'm not entirely sure how I can bend them to my terms, to keep up my comfortable lifestyle while borderline poverty stricken. For saving grace I have parents who love and support me and a brother who would take a bullet for me (I would do the same for all of them) but I let my teenage emotions get the best of me. I'm almost 20 and I have fits like 15 year olds, I have great parents it's just... I don't know, it feels like I have to attack something to learn it. If I have an infection I can't go to the doctor to get antibiotics, instead I have hideous scars running down my legs from not being able to use soap which leads me to having to pick out the infection with my fingernails. Sometimes I have cotton swabs and proxide to clean it out, other times I have to peel it open and squeeze it as hard as possible to get out the blood and pieces of rotten... I don't know if it's puss, tissue or whatever else but I have to dig it out, if I don't it spreads and the hole gets deeper and it keeps swelling and it hurts something god awful and it's for the grace of God that I'm able to maintain my own body without medical help. The bacterial infections are genetic or enivornmenal I'm not sure, it's a gene of virus of some kind that lives under the skin and it's nearly impossible to kill it. It always comes back and if I don't wash every day with soap I'll have several infections pop up from my back, to my thighs and even places I don't want to mention and I just feel thankful and fortunate that I'm able to live with this and that it isn't worse. But, I still feel frustrated because I can't even wear shorts without people seeing ugly purple/pink blotches on my joints from where I first had infections that swollen up greatly and caused deep scar tissue. If I move my leg the skin caves in slightly. Their small but there are many and it's something I'm ashamed of. If not only that which I admit I got too heavily focused on, I need my parents I don't mean this as in I need mommy and daddy to buy me an iphone. I MEAN I NEED MY PARENTS. I know how to take care of myself, I know how to hunt and I know how to make shelter and I could live on my own but that would mean I would be homeless. If my parents ever run out of money to feed themselves (which can quite possibly happen) and with my grandparents most likely dying within the next 20 to 30 years. I would definitely have to leave and figure something out but I was an idiot, I slacked off in school, I got detention all the time for goofing off and refusing to do what I was told. I threw away an easy ticket to a quality education and now I'm having trouble scrapping together the money to get my GED, I don't want a donation, I'll get it myself, but it's my fault entirely why I got in this situation, I was graced with jobs out the wazoo and each one I threw away being a punk. Clinging on to earrings that cost $40 because I thought they looked cool cost me a good deli job and I was going to be trained as an assistant manager after they took me to hardware and that was going to happen a month from memorial day of last year. Then I got a job at subway and half way through my day I was left alone at the money box which name escapes me.... cashier whatever anyway... So I had to handle a bunch of truck drivers money and all of them had thick accents, I couldn't understand them I got scared, I finally had someone replace me and I ran away to the bathroom and hid for 20 minutes and when someone would check on me I'd pretend I was having stomach problems... I wasn't... I was afraid and I was scared and I just sat in there texting every family member I know to please come pick me up I wanted out. I couldn't even think straight as soon as my big bro came to get me I ran to his truck and didn't tell my boss I was leaving or go for my lunch or anything that I brought. I wanted to go but he talked me into saying I was sick and I did and when I got home... I got defensive when mom lectured me and I told her to quite frankly piss off she couldn't make me go back to work and I didn't go... I went back and got a paycheck and I feel god awful for running back after working a half day and pretty much crying my ass home (metaphorically, I swear I wasn't crying, I was just terrified is all...)

ANYWAY jesus christ this is long. Then I got a job at UPS and my grandpa took me, I went to get on the truck and this man that was working was kind he was handsome and he was nice he was someone I would like to date when I got older if I still was interested in guys.... we went to take off I asked for a minute and I jumped off the truck and I got scared I was worried and afraid of the driver. I finally after a 10 minute lecture got taken home and my mom lectured me again... I had no ego left so I just took it and I listened and I listened and for the next few nights I contemplated running away as a way to stop being a mistake for my family and I even kept trying to drag my recovering friend (she was suicidal, long story) back into her depression just so I had someone to suffer with and jesus I'm a terrible person for it. She managed to ignore me and we're good friends now and she is now my crutch like I was for her when she was suicidal and I love her a lot and I want to be serious with her I really do but she's planning to be married off and she's moving away in a few weeks and I feel like I sat on her too much and I let her go. I'm really glad she's happy but I just... I want her to be my partner, I wanted to be the one to give her the wedding ring and ask her to be with me for the rest of my life... but I sat on it and I pussied out and I'm a giant pussy for even complaining about this now.

OH AND DONT EVEEEEEN get me started on my sexuality in fucking Missouri, every one of my friends since the day I met them all said "dude don't be gay" and... they were everybody, I was friends with everybody and they all felt the same, everybody was my enemy. I like women I like men, I enjoy the female body and I'd love to have sex with a girl, I find them very attractive but at the same time I get gitty and so excited by men, I want them to conquer me out of my own willingness, I have no problems with "daddy" or anything, I just honestly get excited for men and every man I dated treated me so gooooood and jesus I'm excited just thinking about it.[/spoiler]


SOOOOO... the blunt of it is... I'm having all of my teenage years (which I spent in isolation) ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL flow out at once and I feel like I'm being piledrived into oblvion.

AND THAT FOLKS IS WHY IM ANGRY ALL THE TIME AND HATE WHEN YOU JUMP ME FOR SOMETHING I DON'T KNOW BUT PLEASE do not stop, because without you and the reason I cling to ComicFury so desperately is because I need you and I want you in my life and you people have taught me more than I learned from living here. I just can't get enough.

I wasted my night. Now I'm just plain out of sequence.