Comic Fury Webcomic Hosting - Looking for Feedback on New Scripts

Yeah so, I'm pretty much giving up on COA. I started it without any idea where the story was going to go, and now it's a mess. A few months ago I did get the idea for another comic though.

This comic is going to be written to touch on topics I find important in my life, without rubbing them in the reader's face or hurting the overall plot.

The story will follow Mathis, a former member of a The Order of Inquisitors. The Inquisitors were originally put in place by the Master's Church to root out corrupt clergy and maintain a righteous order. Unfortunately, due to influencing from spies of the Balthus Empire, the Inquisitors have lost their true purpose. At the time Mathis joined the order they were little more than thugs sent out by their master to kill criminal and assassinate free-thinking officials.

So you can probably tell by now it is going to touch on some religious topics. But not too heavily. I don't plan on lecturing about my religious views, but I do plan to make small reference to them through the characters. Even then it won't be anything more than passing comments.

Some of the more all-encompassing topics however are things like separation of Church and State, religious tolerance, and corruption and misguidance of the clergy.

I'll clarify what I mean by that last point. We has, as humans, aren't perfect. I think even for a religious minded person this is important to keep in mind. It's also to keep in mind that a loud opinion doesn't make someone right, as person of faith you have to decide for yourself what you believe and why you believe it, not be TOLD what and why.

So now that I'm done ranting I'll get to why I'm posting this here...

This time around I plan to write the whole series before I start drawing and publishing. Hopefully this way I don't get stuck with a mess again. But I'd like so feedback from a few people.

So in hopes of getting some feedback I'm going to post my progress here.

Scripts
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(All .docx files)

Various Background Info

Prologue

I plan to release this as a teaser.

Chapter One

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

Chapter Four

Concept Art
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Some images or big, deal with it.

Seal of the Master's Church
https://www.dropbox.com/s/0p6qy8jhyo7joqv/SealOfTheMastersChurch.png

Dominik
https://www.dropbox.com/s/jbvbjjpho7ymxfo/DominikConcept01.png

Mathis
https://www.dropbox.com/s/leu7sfuolm7pmdu/MathisConcept01.png

Maps
https://www.dropbox.com/s/vzt575i74jlcqos/Map.JPG
https://www.dropbox.com/s/jslz8gclkaarvb6/JiquorseMap.jpg
https://www.dropbox.com/s/f7k14dv8donuk0u/StoryMap.jpg
https://www.dropbox.com/s/tk568632x5mbzlh/BalthMap.png

Crowe
https://www.dropbox.com/s/4nb6phijgy5jnjw/CroweConcept01.png
https://www.dropbox.com/s/ikqe90kv2y374fg/CroweConcept02.png

Marsilus
https://www.dropbox.com/s/u5kk5ecdvuip24d/MarsilusConcept01.png

The City of Jiquorse
https://www.dropbox.com/s/6kjvaqad14cvy0y/JiquorseConcept01.png
https://www.dropbox.com/s/7sj1q51zok20879/JiquorseWall01.png
https://www.dropbox.com/s/i8g34ixw50ufq73/JiquorseWall02.png

Abandoned Chapel
https://www.dropbox.com/s/7zwyx7ftxns37uz/ChapelConcept01.png


Prologue

Updated OP with some new concept art.

Chapter Three in OP.

OP Updated with new content.

I think you should've put this in Critique thread.

But I can relate to this. I also had a comic that I couldn't go on for more than 10 pages due to lack to forethought. I'll read them tell you what I think.

ed: so yeah, read prologue and chapter one. Prologue does catch my interest. But I had kind of a hard time following events on chapter one. You do illustrate character personality well through your dialogues, though.

Thanks for the input. Yeah maybe I'll have to see if I can get the thread moved.

Yeah Chapter One is a bit tricky. Hopefully once I get myself rough drafts written I can try tune it up a little bit.

Ok, read through them all. Overall looks like a good beginning of a promising story.

First I'll assume that you didn't really spell check or grammar check this, and plan on doing so later before you draw the comic. So it wouldn't be a big deal now.

And I do like how you did the prayer scene in beginning of chapter 2. But having it go on for 3 pages and a half may be a bit too long. And some the images you plan on inserting for each phrase don't have much to do with the story itself. I think it would be tasteful to add in foreshadowing or a visual connection to the background of this plot. At least something that relates to the overall story/world so that it doesn't look like you just put in pretty pictures.

Also the barfight scene is a classic way to introduce a setting, characters, etc. Though I don't usually mind (my own comic is pretty cliche), some might find it kind of uninteresting.

I think you can also make your sound effects more obvious to their action. I can see that you're trying to make these sound effects more true to their "sound," but people will be reading these, not hearing these. So it also depends on the reader's understanding of these sounds just like any other word. They know what it means when they read "bam" or "whack" and interpret it accordingly. Some might be confused when they see "Squltchk!" or "Ffrssshkrrkt!"

I like the way you linked the letter to the events that go on in chapter 3, instead of using just plain narration. Involves he reader more to the story.

But some of your dialogue seem a bit unnatural. an example: "Being attacked in a tavern really exhausts a man." grammer sounds fine, relevant context, but just doesn't sound natural. Having it first person instead of third person would help that.

those were the main ones that I found. Hope I helped.

Yeah I'm going to spell check it later, right now it's just kind of writing the ideas down as they come.

I'll keep all that stuff in mind thanks. C:

Updated OP with new concept art.

More Concept Art

Did some concept art for Jiquorse.

Finished Chapter 4. See OP.

New concept art.

Also came up with a potential title.

Updated with better formatted scripts.

Hey Uglulyx, I read through the Prologue and about half of Chapter 1 and thought I'd give you some feedback.

First of all, I really enjoyed the cinematic feel of the script. While I was reading it it felt as though I was watching a film in my head. The characters and the story introduced intrigued me and I'm interested to see what'll happen next. As I don't normally read this kind of comic I may be wrong about this, but I felt the pacing was a little bit slow. Assuming that you'd update with a page once or twice a week it feels like it'll take ages for the reader to get into the story. It feels more like the sort of thing you'd publish as a book in a huge chunk. But I'm curious to read about the story more, so I'll definitely come back to read some of more of the script.

Thanks for the input.

Yeah pacing has been a bit of an issue. I'd like to make updates worth while but at the same time I don't want to rush it too much either. Yes at some point I'm probably going to put this into a print collection, so really I can't speed it up too much.

What I might end up doing is putting up a 2-3 pages a week but then just taking a bigger break in between to build up my buffer again. I'm not sure how quickly I can actually get pages done yet though. I know before I start publishing chapters I'm going to get at least chapter 1 and 2 done.

Updated OP with new concept art.

Slight update to OP and a cool title bar.

Posted all the pages I have so far.

New page in OP!