powerful.pineapple:First off, I'm starting from chapter 1 here.
Ugh, not the damsel in distress -_- sorry, personal issue with this cliche. Please try to offer something different from the moment your readers' eyes hit your comic. Some of us do anything to avoid the more obvious, stereotypical, one-dimensional tropes.
Ugh....not the lazy pizza boy! Gawd this had better have some whack plot twists laterrrr
Okay, one thing I can say that I see promise in, in this story, is your humor. I enjoy Aaron's interaction with the 11 foot tall drunk. I enjoy the "help me!" balloon whacking Aaron on the head. So please keep on that (but don't make it forced)
However, your dialogue needs some heavy ass kettlebell catching, tire flipping, precision jumps, squats, etc. And I'm not using these metaphors by coincidence.
There is no short cut to good writing, and good dialogue. I feel like you really need to read a lot more.
I didn't have much of an education but I read all my life, and now I'm a journalist and freelance writer for money. Writing will come naturally once you read enough and experience enough. This dialogue--especially in the emotional parts, such as the lass being chased and the fight between Aaron and his employer--grates on you and makes you wish the scene was over faster. That's why I enjoyed the more lighthearted interactions more, ironically.
Avoid cliches. Read more. Read all of your dialogue out loud, or to your friends, and say "does this sound cliche'd"? Emotional scenes need decent, simple, clear, honest, and story-furthering dialogue if the story is character-driven (which I assume this one is). If it's plot-driven, all scenes need it!
Another thing--and this is another huge pet peeve of mine--your readers are not stupid. It was a weird trend I noticed in the newer cartoons on Cartoon Network, or superhero cartoons, where characters would say "I'll look in the cabinet!" while they were looking in the cabinet, or do other redundant things.
Your readers know that a character is looking in the cabinet (if you've illustrated the scene well and clearly) and your character doesn't need to explain much. In fact, it's often cooler to just let the character act. Without thought balloons. We aren't in their head, so we don't know what will happen next, so we're more excited to read the next page.
Oh, and you have problems with POV characters. You normally aren't supposed to see thought bubbles for villains to begin with--only POV characters. Villains are characters who must state their objective or remain silent (unless you have a character who is a villain and also a POV character, like Light Yagami and L were both POV characters in Death Note)
Otherwise, your action scene was actually fun to read. Aaron seems all right, but honestly, avoid the stereotypes, the cliche's, the tropes, and the archetypes. It will only make your series stronger if you think "okay, where have I seen this...how can I make it a little different from that? Take a risk?"
Where in the hell did Aaron learn all these kung fu moves as a failed police candidate slash pizza boy anyhow lol?
Okay, please avoid Scott Pilgrim. I know it's a very popular series but...please. It's been done. To death.
Oh, and it's a bit unrealistic how Aaron just thinks through all of these mental issues that have been apparently plaguing him for a long time, but as if it's the first time he's felt them (the people in the restaurant, the police academy outburst). He would be more silent, angsty, resigned to the feelings if he's had them for a long time. He'd be more pessimistic and apathetic about ever getting out of that funk. He wouldn't be so ready to fly off the handle any minute, either.
Please work on characterization. Make Aaron, and other characters, deeper and more real.
Sorry if this all sounds harsh, but really, your series has promise. I am just really rough on stories that don't break the mold enough for me.
Ask yourself--why should people read THIS story? Why is MY story MY story? How is it different?
Fair enough. Ya, Pure Havoc was my first actual comic I ever launched off the ground. In retrospect I could have handled things with a bit more skill, and tried a little harder to avoid cliches. Recently, I've decided to put Pure Havoc on a hiatus of sorts, and explore a new series with the skills I've gained over the past 8 months. I don't know if you read all the way to the finale of Act 1, and if you didn't I don't blame you... but I think my writing skills, and art skills did improve (IMO).
Thanks for your time, and I appreciate the review.
