Comic Fury Webcomic Hosting - Forum search

You are not logged in. Log in, Register, More info
Forum > Search results
Pages: [1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [59]

Result in thread: An LGBT+ Bechdel Test
1 terms matched
25th Sep 2018, 8:59 PM #1
snuffysam

User avatar
Posts: 1161
Registration date: 27th Feb 2014
Location: 6969 cool street
There's a lot of good stuff here for an in-depth character test (similar to what Amithea was saying) - though not every point is perfect.

6 seems redundant after 5 - if a character already has both good and bad points, does it particularly matter what "causes" the character supports? Particularly if a story takes place in a world with different social issues than our own.

13 doesn't apply that much in a pure romance story. Though you can come up with fringe cases for any of these tbh (for example, 7 isn't relevant in a story about a character trying to escape a room alone), so that's a bit unfair of me.

Also, I have a couple issues with 1. First, check out all the threads around here asking authors how much planning they do and how much they change their minds - most people don't stick to a rigid script throughout. Second, even if two moments/statements in the story contradict each other, that isn't necessarily bad or unrealistic. I know people who went through years of experimentation and soul searching to find who they were, and others who eschew labels altogether. The issue isn't the author changing their mind, the issue is if it's not integrated well into the story.
_______________________
imageimage
1 terms matched
20th Sep 2018, 2:23 AM #2
snuffysam

User avatar
Posts: 1161
Registration date: 27th Feb 2014
Location: 6969 cool street
I just make sure to only spoil the crazy things, and sprinkle it in with equally crazy lies. For example - Book 4 involves Mizuki carrying out a major drug bust, Book 5 reveals that the strongest magic user in the universe has the ability to teleport to pizza. Only one of the statements in the previous sentence is true, and you'll never figure out which statement is the lie!

Also, I don't really have an issue with spoiling things if they have no relevance to the main plot. Like, saying that the majority of the main cast is queer by Book 3 isn't some sort of big plot twist, it's just a thing that happens to be true (in fact I think it might be true already if you include single-chapter opponents... I'll have to actually go and count). Or that the Royal Wizard from Book 1 shows up again in Book 2. It doesn't spoil any major event, he's just a guy who's in the story.
_______________________
imageimage
1 terms matched
17th Sep 2018, 7:47 PM #3
snuffysam

User avatar
Posts: 1161
Registration date: 27th Feb 2014
Location: 6969 cool street


Not elaborate enough! You need to surround the enemy, and draw them out warning shots from your sniper!

- - - - -

In today's Super Galaxy Knights Deluxe R, Mizuki thanks the very nice man.
_______________________
imageimage
1 terms matched
16th Sep 2018, 11:19 PM #4
snuffysam

User avatar
Posts: 1161
Registration date: 27th Feb 2014
Location: 6969 cool street
ShaRose49:Kat and Evan continue to converse in Evan's native tongue as they rush home. (It sounds kinda like an anime in my head).

Image


Or, alternative... you could continue to lie!

- - - - -

In today's Super Galaxy Knights Deluxe R, Mizuki gets some bad directions...
_______________________
imageimage
1 terms matched
15th Sep 2018, 4:38 AM #5
snuffysam

User avatar
Posts: 1161
Registration date: 27th Feb 2014
Location: 6969 cool street
_______________________
imageimage
1 terms matched
14th Sep 2018, 6:43 PM #6
snuffysam

User avatar
Posts: 1161
Registration date: 27th Feb 2014
Location: 6969 cool street
moonfixer:tactics, yall.


Hey, that might still work out in the end. After all, once they all shoot each other, they'll be ghosts, which means they'll be able to fight the ghost.

- - - - -

In today's Super Galaxy Knights Deluxe R, Mizuki arrives in yet another new city.
_______________________
imageimage
Result in thread: Picky Critiques
1 terms matched
12th Sep 2018, 1:01 AM #7
snuffysam

User avatar
Posts: 1161
Registration date: 27th Feb 2014
Location: 6969 cool street
Ok, that all makes sense. I'll work on that for when I edit the first chapter!
_______________________
imageimage
Result in thread: Picky Critiques
1 terms matched
11th Sep 2018, 11:12 PM #8
snuffysam

User avatar
Posts: 1161
Registration date: 27th Feb 2014
Location: 6969 cool street
Thanks for the critique! Just going to go through this real quick...

swamp:THE SUMMARY -

So... my original take on the summary is no longer relevant so here's my more relevant take-
I get the whole joke is to advertise yourself as a stereotypical harem story, then plot twist it into an action story with lesbians, but there's a bit problem here I'm not sure you've thought through.
As somebody who's 200% more on board for 'action story with cyborg lesbians' than 'mediocre guy gets idol harem', I just would have.... never read long enough to discover the truth. Your actual audience would never make it past the summary.
Meanwhile, the person who's tuned in for a harem romance with idols is going to just be disappointed! Your actual audience won't make it past the summary, and the people who make it past the summary aren't the actual audience.


Yeah, that's fair. I'll change that to something that makes it clear that there's a surprise, but specifically a surprise for Rick. Something along the lines of "Rick thought he was in for a fun senior year with his favorite idols, but he was shocked to find out that..." and so on, describing the girls.

swamp:THE COVER-

The character designs are really cute, but I think they're hurt most by the lack of noses. I'd prefer more edge lines all around (around eyes, eyebrows, hairline, lips and skin/cloth separations especially), but the noses hurt it the most for me.


Hmm... the issue is that the characters aren't drawn, they're 3D models. I'll have to figure something out to get the renderer to put outlines on the noses properly...

Also, did you think the lack of noses/lip outlines was a problem with the vector art versions (on the top bar and at the end of chapters), or just a problem with the 3D models?

swamp:
HEAVY EDITS ON FIRST TWO PAGES (written before reveal)-

Already, it's off to a rocky start. We're dropped in with four lines of dialogue where-
-I have no context for who's talking
-The attempt at dry humour is very intentional in a way I find offputting
-No human speaks this way

Then we get the protag, intro-ed as “the boy with grey hair”, who then.... monologues his life story. Jokingly pointing to the internal narration does not give you a free pass for the fact that this boy is sitting in the car mentally introducing himself to nobody.

If I was to restructure the intro, I'd go with this-
-Rick Weeks sat in the car blah blah establish place.
-Exit dialogue here with dialogue tags
-Internal dialogue about.... what you might be worried about on the first day of school. Better yet, talking to his mother about it. It can also be a much more organic way to bring up his disability (cheers for having a disabled lead btw! #1 way to get me reading) Is he behind on school work from medical issues? Does he feel guilty about his family having to move? Is he doing better and hoping to get a more normal life?
-Rather than suspiciously convenient billboard, bring in the girls in a more organic way. Maybe he asks his mom to blast some of their music to get pumped up for the new school year.


Ok yeah, I'll fix all that.

Although while I'll concede the first page is pretty much all terrible in terms of "people don't talk like that", I can't really think of a better way to establish tone than "as the top door-to-door botched door installation personal injury lawyer in the world". Like, the story is supposed to be somewhat over the top and absurd, and I don't want to take that away for the sake of realistic dialogue.

swamp:
SWAMP'S MEDICAL CORNER-
Okay, what the heck is wrong with Rick Weeks? If you're writing a medical condition, it can give you some great tools to work with in terms of obstacles, conflicts, and characterization, but you need a clear sense of direction. Sick since he was born with a horrible reaction to the flu says immune issue, artificial heart says heart issues. I'd just stick to heart issues, and do some research on the effects of artificial heart transplants.
Neither of these would be fixed by moving to a warmer client. In fact, as somebody who's condition can cause some heart problems, heat actually puts more strain on your heart, and there isn't exactly clear air in big Cali cities. It would be far more likely that he'd move to be near a hospital or doctor. This could also be a chance to bring in idols. Maybe they had to move for medical access, and he put in a vote to move near his favourite stars.
Also, added from later but.... how did he not die during that workout routine. Like... if he doesn't also have a future tech artificial heart, he hasn't got great chances without a lifespan taking it easy. That whole scene I was just “on no this child is going to die”


It was indeed supposed to be "immune issues + heart condition", but yeah I clearly didn't do enough research. Cutting it down to one makes sense - and that cutting it down would be to the artificial heart, as that fits the themes of the rest of the story more (given that the rest of the main cast have prosthetics too, although theirs are more futuristic).

I agree that the moving for medical access is a better choice there.

Also, my plan was for the next chapter to be Rick basically dying. Like, after the mile run that Scarlet's forcing Rick to do. She learns a lesson about pushing Rick too hard, and also not to be as much of an asshole in general. With that said, I'll make sure to edit the first part of the arc so that it's clear Rick's having difficulties from the start.

swamp:
MAJOR TAKE AWAYS

Your twist is a big issue. I get the impression the mislead was your opening idea, and it's a fun joke, but it also totally shoots you in the foot for a joke you only get to play once. I feel like you got excited about surprising a reader, without really thinking through who the reader is. People who come from your other works might know what they're in for, in which case, it's just a boring wait for the action to kick in, but everyone else will get lost at the summary or the twist. You are limiting your audience to “people who want to read a stereotypical harem story, then react well to being mocked for that and getting an action story with little romance instead”, which is not a big slice.
If you still want that joke, I'd flip it and make it clear early on Rick is in the wrong genre, and have the humor coming from “confused harem guy who can't understand that he's in an action story”, but that causes problems on my next point


Thing is, I'm not sure how to make the story more clear that it's in the action genre (and that Rick is the only confused one) in the first chapter. I guess make it more clear that Scarlet is coming back from some sort of combat, or show Olive's magnetism when she first shows up?

Also, I'd debate it being a joke I can only play once - as while the genre won't flip again, I have plenty of opportunities to introduce new concepts that come from complete left field in this story.

swamp:
So Rick's problem is that he is a harem protag, even if he doesn't have the harem. Here's what I know about him
-He has grey hair
-He's sick
-He likes a band
We're told he's resourceful, but the fire alarm thing didn't impress me that much. I admit to a grudge against boring harem dudes, so my opening question was “what about this dude should make three pop stars fall in love with him”. Now it's “why should three badass robots want to train him” and.... still looking for an answer.


Hm. My goal with Rick's character is that his strengths are street smarts/resourcefulness and kindness. And it's difficult to get that point across in one fight where Rick has no idea what's going on.

Maybe I can make the girls decision to train him more reluctant? Like, he discovered their secret, so their only options are to train him or kill him, and Olive doesn't want to kill a classmate?

swamp:
Your action writing is obviously your comfort zone, but your dialogue feels really stilted and it's probably the weakest point. Being comedy doesn't totally get your out of realism, just like you can't play bad anatomy as Picasso. Learn to nail it first, then you can use hamminess and cliché on purpose. I'd recommend listening to people and writing down the way they talk, listen to some good comedy and see how they blend that realism with humor.

You also need to stop formatting thoughts like dialogue. “This method doesn't work,” he thought, convincing the audience he was talking out loud until the dialogue tag. Italics would be most standard.

You're writing is fun, but you need to solve the core summary problem and polish your dialogue skills to let your humor and concept shine. Keep writing and good luck!


All right, thanks for the tips!

(oh, and the thoughts formatted like dialogue is just a mistake. It seems the formatting goes away when copying text into photoshop, so I'm not surprised I missed some re-italicizing.)
_______________________
imageimage
1 terms matched
11th Sep 2018, 6:00 AM #9
snuffysam

User avatar
Posts: 1161
Registration date: 27th Feb 2014
Location: 6969 cool street
While Mizuki wouldn't exactly consider herself a superhero yet, there's certainly a lot of action in Super Galaxy Knights Deluxe R...

[spoiler]
Image: http://sgkdr.thecomicseries.com/images/comics/155/30997a1533848518f1011480930.png
[/spoiler]
_______________________
imageimage
1 terms matched
11th Sep 2018, 3:38 AM #10
snuffysam

User avatar
Posts: 1161
Registration date: 27th Feb 2014
Location: 6969 cool street
I have changed my comic's timezone tons of times over the course of my time here - the DST compatibility is an annoyance, more so than the stats rolling over at 8pm ever will be IMO.

I agree with Kyo, this isn't the highest priority issue for the site.
_______________________
imageimage
1 terms matched
11th Sep 2018, 12:32 AM #11
snuffysam

User avatar
Posts: 1161
Registration date: 27th Feb 2014
Location: 6969 cool street
Nope, it's always at the same time. Not sure why- either it's to keep the placement on the Popular lists consistent, or just because it's hard for Kyo to change.

Regardless, the stats all roll over at midnight in... I want to say Germany? So keep that in mind.

(If you're that concerned, you can always put Google Analytics on your site, which will adjust to your timezone)
_______________________
imageimage
Result in thread: Milestones in your comic
1 terms matched
10th Sep 2018, 7:04 PM #12
snuffysam

User avatar
Posts: 1161
Registration date: 27th Feb 2014
Location: 6969 cool street
Huge milestone today as I finally reach page 420!

Ha ha, "toke" it my friends!
_______________________
imageimage
Result in thread: Picky Critiques
1 terms matched
10th Sep 2018, 6:55 PM #13
snuffysam

User avatar
Posts: 1161
Registration date: 27th Feb 2014
Location: 6969 cool street
Could you take a look at Idol Paradise World?

In terms of things to focus on... the hook, I suppose? As a light novel, IPW is harder to attract people to than a traditional comic (given all the text), so I want to be sure I'm doing an effective job of it.

EDIT: Oh and since it's early in the story and I'm willing to go back and edit things, skin thickness shouldn't be much of an issue.
_______________________
imageimage
1 terms matched
5th Sep 2018, 1:01 PM #14
snuffysam

User avatar
Posts: 1161
Registration date: 27th Feb 2014
Location: 6969 cool street
MK_Wizard:


Hmm... well, his first mistake was to call Hyde a "troll". I doubt he'll take kindly to that.

- - - - -

In today's Super Galaxy Knights Deluxe R, Mizuki figures out her next destination...
_______________________
imageimage
Result in thread: Reviewing your webcomics
1 terms matched
5th Sep 2018, 2:33 AM #15
snuffysam

User avatar
Posts: 1161
Registration date: 27th Feb 2014
Location: 6969 cool street
I'd love if you took a look at Idol Paradise World if you still have space!
_______________________
imageimage
1 terms matched
3rd Sep 2018, 8:56 PM #16
snuffysam

User avatar
Posts: 1161
Registration date: 27th Feb 2014
Location: 6969 cool street
keiiii:(Warning for violence) When Lushaka said it would only take an instant, he really meant it, as evidenced on this page.


Uh oh. Getting shot out of nowhere is never a good sign. Love the artwork in that last panel!

- - - - -

In today's Super Galaxy Knights Deluxe R, Zaxaty tries to get in the last word.
_______________________
imageimage
Result in thread: Evil Female OCs
1 terms matched
3rd Sep 2018, 8:53 PM #17
snuffysam

User avatar
Posts: 1161
Registration date: 27th Feb 2014
Location: 6969 cool street
I find this funny because the last movie I watched was Thor: Ragnarok, which has a completely unsympathetic villain in Hela.

(yes, she has the backstory of being cast out and denied ruling even though she's the oldest child, but that's no more "sympathetic" than, like, "i just wanna get rich selling cocaine" in terms of villain motivations. she was cast out because she was pure evil.)

And despite that lack of sympathy (or perhaps because of it), she's one of the more memorable big bads in the MCU.

Though I will agree that Hela is just a rare outlier in the space of all fiction.
_______________________
imageimage
1 terms matched
2nd Sep 2018, 10:24 PM #18
snuffysam

User avatar
Posts: 1161
Registration date: 27th Feb 2014
Location: 6969 cool street
infiniteforces:latest page of COTG. It's really staring to kick in now mate.

Latest page.


Either you're seeing entire universes... or you're hallucinating. Either or.

- - - - -

In today's Super Galaxy Knights Deluxe R, Mizuki gets that second gem!
_______________________
imageimage
1 terms matched
31st Aug 2018, 4:11 AM #20
snuffysam

User avatar
Posts: 1161
Registration date: 27th Feb 2014
Location: 6969 cool street
bizarremoon:Blacktail and Marz meet Misfits of Mischief


Dimension hoppers collide! The Misfits are really fun characters, and you did a great job integrating them with your own cast (from what I can tell)!

- - - - -

In today's Super Galaxy Knights Deluxe R... I'm sure this page is cleaner in context.
_______________________
imageimage
Forum > Search results
Pages: [1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [59]


Forum search
Search terms (sep. by spaces)
(Max. 100 characters)