Forum > Mediterranean Avenue > The Coming Out and Queer Support Thread [taste the whole spectrum of the queer rainbow] [read the rules before posting]
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"The Coming Out and Queer Support Thread [taste the whole spectrum of the queer rainbow] [read the rules before posting] ", 24th May 2013, 6:22 PM #1
chillest thought policeman
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This thread is meant to support people who are coming out or have already come out! You can come out in here, link to resources, ask for help/advice, give help/advice, or just talk about your experiences as a queer person (and by “resources” I mean hotlines, general information, support groups, and things like that. No news items or speculative information).

Or just come in to share queer art you've found/collected/made!

Let's lay down the
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1) The entire queer, QUILTBAG, LGBT, whatever you prefer to call it, spectrum is welcome here. That means ace (asexual/aromantic/all other configurations) people too! Don't be shy, ace folks.

2) Do not question other people's orientations. Curiosity is fine, but respect is a must. Never, ever phrase your curiosity in such a way that suggests you doubt the other person's identity.

3) No news items or speculative information. Want to talk about the discovery of the gay gene? Make a different thread. Discussion of where gay comes from, where queerness fits into evolutionary biology, etc, will not be tolerated. Links to stories about the latest legislation and vents about religion/politics will not be tolerated either, unless you are talking about a specific experience that happened to you and you are posting to get support. General religion-bashing is a no. This is a place for people to feel safe, and if the hypothetical Catholic lesbian decides this is not a safe place for her, I will rip the universe apart and knead it into itself until the hypothetical Catholic lesbian has a little space-time hammock to curl into and be safe in.

4) Keep discussion both sex positive and ace friendly. Wanting sex is not shameful and not wanting sex is not shameful. You're all fine the way you are! Please be respectful of other people's desires, as this can be a very sensitive topic both for aces whose orientation is frequently questioned, and for sexual folks who are widely shamed for their feelings.

5) If I decide that you are being a jerk and cannot be reasoned with, you will get the boot. No whining about the subjectivity of being a jerk. I'll give you plenty of warning and let you know why I think what something you say is inappropriate. If you step in line after that, good job. If you obstinately continue to be an insensitive jerk or otherwise ignore my warning, the boot you get.*1

6) And because I'm the OP I say posting queer art is also okay, and encouraged. I don't even care if you just want to show off the smutty art you drew, post that shit I wanna see it. If it's particularly smutty or you have the feeling it falls under the NSFW category, please put it under a spoiler tag and tell us why it's under the spoiler. If anyone asks “why do straight people like boy-on-boy?” or any variations thereof that make people embarrassed or frightened to share, though, I will boot you so fast you're gonna wonder why Sonic is moderating the thread.

That's another rule: if you feel the need to post queer Sonic art please put it under a spoiler tag and label it because that crazy business is NSFW no matter how innocent it is. I'm not saying this to shame anybody but I'm pretty sure all bosses now immediately think you're looking at porn if you have a picture of Sonic on your screen.


~~***OKAY HAVE FUN REMEMBER GUYS THIS THREAD IS ABOUT LOVE AND PEACE, I FUCKING LOVE ALL OF YOU SAD LITTLE FUCKS, BE NICE TO EACH OTHER KAY***~~

snark out

--

*1 - I am not actually a moderator; just be cool guys okay be chill
you don't want me to show you this picture of a boot right
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it's like a cowboy boot or something
pretty frightening
okay just be good and I won't show that to you again all right
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24th May 2013, 6:55 PM #2
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My problem is: now that you've named the rules, I have this punk-ass artist side that so wants to break or at least subvert them. Resisting temptation. Don't want to get the boot.

(And my real fear about that boot is that you will make me wear it!)

;-)

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24th May 2013, 7:08 PM #3
Kyo
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you just gotta be clever about it bungy

for example, watch me questioning snarks orientation:

i think snark is facing north and i don't care what anyone says
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24th May 2013, 7:18 PM #4
chillest thought policeman
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Kyo:you just gotta be clever about it bungy

for example, watch me questioning snarks orientation:

i think snark is facing north and i don't care what anyone says

the funny thing is that I am literally facing south at this moment

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24th May 2013, 7:19 PM #5
Kyo
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no you're not
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24th May 2013, 7:23 PM #6
chillest thought policeman
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Kyo:no you're not

motherfucker don't question my magnetoception

I can bend metal don't even test me
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24th May 2013, 7:24 PM #7
Kyo
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I apologize not only for that but also for helping you derail your own thread after only two posts. I am not a very good admin.
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24th May 2013, 7:32 PM #8
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Yeah, but what do you get out of facing South? And did you choose to face south, or were you born facing South? When did you first realize you were facing South? I mean, I've got no problem with facing South, I just think it must be so hard in a world where almost everyone else is facing North? I bet if the right view came along, you would face North. I mean, have you ever tried facing North?

Personally, I don't think the direction I am facing is even accounted for on a compass. I'm pretty sure I am Astrolabial.

But I think I'd be really into magnetoception if you, you know, ever want to get together and show me. Opposites attract, right?

;-)
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24th May 2013, 7:32 PM #9
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Kyo:I apologize not only for that but also for helping you derail your own thread after only two posts. I am not a very good admin.

what x-men is totally queer-related

OKAY BACK ON TOPIC let's get the ball rolling: I have Coming Out Stories.

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There have been many times, especially as a foolish younger-me, that I was not able to read the queer atmosphere.

Years ago, a male friend and I were talking about Ben “Yahtzee” Croshaw, the video game reviewer.

Friend: Have you seen the videos where he actually shows his face?

Me: Yeah! ...he's really handsome

Friend: (awkwardly) I wouldn't know about that.


-
What I heard was: ew that's gross

What he was saying was: I'm not ready to come out yet and I don't want to admit my feelings about it.
-


Years later, this friend told me he was bisexual, but didn't feel comfortable telling anyone for a long time because of his parents' attitudes.

Me: ...so do you think Yahtzee is hot?

Friend: (shiftily) maybe

I had another friend in high school who recommended a webcomic to me. Said webcomic contained a coming-out story with a hot girl who was only just starting to realize she was interested in other hot girls. The comic was drawn by a guy and was somewhat cheesecakey, but also heartfelt.

One day my high school friend tells me, in a sort of confiding way, that the hot lesbian is his favorite character.


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What I heard was: I'm a guy and I love hot lesbians!

What he was saying was: I identify with her and I'm trying to come out.
-


So for this friend's birthday that year, in a misguided attempt to please him, I drew him a gag comic prominently featuring a cheesecake lady and labeled “nekkid lady picture.”

We both had a good laugh about the nekkid lady picture comic when he showed up at my door years later wearing a sexy tight shirt and high heeled boots.
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24th May 2013, 7:37 PM #10
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Man, I'm happy my friends are much more clear on what they mean, I'm terrible at guessing.
I have a question, are pansexuals included in QUILTBAG? and what does the U mean?
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24th May 2013, 7:46 PM #11
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craybest:Man, I'm happy my friends are much more clear on what they mean, I'm terrible at guessing.
I have a question, are pansexuals included in QUILTBAG? and what does the U mean?


U= undecided/unsure

Pansexual is not in there, but probably assumed under B for bisexual. And yeah, that's kind of a problem, since pansexual (I believe) is a corrective/alternative to bisexual.

Dang it! For one brief and shining moment, there was a real acronym in the alphabet soup. Now it's all back to the unsolvable jumble.

QUILTBAG
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24th May 2013, 7:51 PM #12
chillest thought policeman
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Bungy32: Dang it! For one brief and shining moment, there was a real acronym in the alphabet soup. Now it's all back to the unsolvable jumble.

What about....QUILTGAP???

Bungy32:But I think I'd be really into magnetoception if you, you know, ever want to get together and show me. Opposites attract, right?

;-)

oh baby oh baby
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24th May 2013, 8:06 PM #13
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I am lying in the gutter gazing at the starts stars .... no wait! we've moved on from discussing that orientation... darn

I am bisexual; not much more to say really all seems perfectly normal to me

[edit - I'm also dyslexic and mess up typing a lot - does this count]


24th May 2013, 8:22 PM #14
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Bungy32:I mean, I've got no problem with facing South, I just think it must be so hard in a world where almost everyone else is facing North?


Okay, right, so in my tongue-in-cheek play above, I actually folded part of my coming out (to my parents) story into the silliness.

I grew up in a pretty progressive, pretty liberal family. My parents had a lot of theater friends, at least two of which were openly gay. My coming out should have been a breeze with my parents. Alas, it was not. It wasn't the horror I'm sure coming out in a conservative home can be; and I was never thrown out onto the street. So, no whining on my part. But I think everyone involved thinks we could have done that scene better.

Basically, my mother thought I was gay (or possibly transexual) long before I had any thoughts about sex. Like, way back when I was a toddler. It was her secret, and she carried it with great worry. Looking back on my childhood, I can see all kinds of places where she tried to steer me away from it. And the quote above was one of her tactics, tried in my formative teenage years.

Basically she offered (completely out of nowhere): "There's nothing wrong with being gay and you should never be mean to gay people, but their lives must be so sad. It must be so hard to be gay in this world. I wouldn't wish that on anyone."

So, when I got a handle (well...) on my sexual orientation during my Freshman year at college, I was reluctant to tell her. I knew I needed to, but I wanted to work up to it. Maybe I would tell my groovy/cool sister-in-law first. I didn't fear ma's rejection; I feared her pity and disappointment.

Except, she'd been attending to me and, perhaps as a result of paranoia associated with empty nest syndrome, she was increasingly sure I was gay and not dealing with it. So Spring Break my Freshman year comes around and she forces a confrontation. Only she won't say "it." She literally talks about and then tearfully writes me a letter talking about "it" (complete with scare quotes). And we start having this fight about something else and my dad can tell it's got some sort of deeper resonance. And mom and I both use him as a pawn or human shield until finally "it" just, well, comes out. Shouting, screaming, tears. All that. We sorta make up the next day, but serious damage has been done to our relationship even so.

After a period of denial (denial less about my queerness than the ugliness of that scene), my mom finally dragged my dad to a PFFLAG meeting and became a very active member in the group. She wanted information and support. She felt incredible guilt for bungling the whole coming out scene -- yeah, she takes responsibility for it, even though it was clearly a group effort.

Jump ahead about six years.

All this information and group support starts her asking questions about herself. See where this is going? Yup. She ends up having an affair with a female student and ultimately divorcing my dad. Turns out some substantive portion of her fears about me was really her own suppressed sexuality issues. And while her coming out was full of roughness and my parents did get a divorce, it turns out that was one of the best things for their relationship. They became or remained best friends (well, a few years after the divorce, at any rate). And my mom went on to have two long term relationships with women and to be a very active member of the LGBTQ activist community in the next town over, where she moved after the divorce.

Coming out can be hard, even when it seems like it should be no big deal. And sometimes it is no big deal when you think it is going to be really difficult. We tend to think it is about the person coming out, but it isn't just that. Our identities are enmeshed in our relationships. Sure, I think I could have been more open and honest about my self discovery as it was happening. That would have helped. But my mom could have been a little more open and a little less vaguely threatening about her fears. That's easy for both of us to say in hindsight, though.
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24th May 2013, 8:37 PM #15
chillest thought policeman
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Ohhhh man that's quite a story, Bungy. It feels weird to say I enjoyed it since it's so turbulent, but...I enjoyed it.

Bungy32:But my mom could have been a little more open and a little less vaguely threatening about her fears. That's easy for both of us to say in hindsight, though.

My dad had a similar reaction prior to my actual coming out. I would sometimes "jokingly" say on facebook I was gay for this or gay for that, in reference to things and not people. One day my dad asks "what's all this about being gay for things? Am I going to get grandchildren?"

I think it was a few years after that before I came out to my parents.
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24th May 2013, 8:46 PM #16
Better call Paul!
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what if i like tomboys?
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24th May 2013, 11:29 PM #17
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lol coming out to parents what is that?

I only told two of my irl friends, one of whom vaguely understood and another who just had no concept. They were still really cool about it, especially the dude.

But then it got awkward when he asked me how a masturbated.

I won't go near my parents with this. I know it's only ace, but mum is obsessed with me getting a boyfriend and being normal and having 2.5 kids. I think saying "I am an unfeeling and inert carbon lump" may crush her, and idk I don't want to start a scream fest with her and end up hit in the face because she refuses to believe anything that wasn't around in the 60s
24th May 2013, 11:56 PM #18
how about this one?
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OnlyFoolsAndVikings:having 2.5 kids... refuses to believe anything that wasn't around in the 60s


somehow both of these made me laugh.

I'm starting to think laughing at things that other people don't laugh at is like part of my ace-ness

25th May 2013, 12:04 AM #19
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That reminds me of the women's hockey game when one team was penalized for having too many
men on the ice! So apparently that gave the other team the odd-man advantage! And you should have seen that fellow, he was really an odd-looking chap.
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25th May 2013, 1:23 AM #20
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Although I've never "come out" as asexual to my family I think they have kind of known for a long time. I was from an early age to my great aunt who never married and my mom always talked about how she could see me being an awesome aunt. I am 28 and have never dated, you would hope that someone would guess things from that.

Coming out as gay would be harder because my mom always talks about how hard it would be to gay in our society. It's interesting that some of you have parents with a similar mentality.
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Forum > Mediterranean Avenue > The Coming Out and Queer Support Thread [taste the whole spectrum of the queer rainbow] [read the rules before posting]
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