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25th Dec 2013, 4:09 AM #141
LauraEss

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Atsuuikakura:I'm not sure if I feel like going to a counselor. But for reasons I won't go into here, for risk of derailing this thread I have been thinking of coming out about this to some of my irl freains. I think they would be ok with it but its still pretty scary.
Mostly, there are two reasons to come out to someone else. The first is that it announces a "change of behaviour" (from their point of view) in you - hopefully it changes their expectations and behaviour back (e.e.They stop calling you Dora and start calling you Donald). The second reason is that it may give you someone to talk to - especially if they also know your social and family situations. Being able to talk to someone else can make a BIG difference.

I hope you get the result you need.

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29th Dec 2013, 2:15 AM #142
Atsuuikakura
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Well I was finnally able to come out to my freind about my tg situation. he was pretty cool with it which was neat. As Finn said in adventure time, my vault feels lighter now. I think I might tell some of my other freinds the next time they are in town.
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30th Dec 2013, 2:38 AM #143
shastab24

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That's great! It's always a weight off to come out, especially with supportive people.
7th Feb 2014, 10:44 PM #144
ranger_brianna_new
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Hey, everyone. There's...there's not exactly an easy way to go about saying this. I, uh, kinda wish there was, but, well...there isn't. No matter what, it's going to come across as being a bit awkward, perhaps extremely so. It's also a bit nerve-wrecking, coming out and actually saying it. But, well...I figured it's something I should say, anyway.

People might remember my posts in here from before. (Spoilered for length.)
Those. I quote them here, unedited, but let's put it this way--the subject didn't end there, and some of what I said no longer applies. Basically, I did a little exploring. Reading the webcomic Rain. Talking to people. (One in particular.) And a lot of thinking on things. Like, a LOT a lot. Wondering if I was lying to others by thinking I wasn't normal, or lying to myself by thinking I was. And eventually, I concluded the latter. And thinking about my past. Especially as a little kid, which is a really important element in the equation. Also about my family's beliefs. (Let's just say that...I'm convinced that my stance on !cishet people is probably a black-sheep one compared to my family.)

And how said family influenced said kid, basically involving a lot of suppression of what I would have been like otherwise. Mostly, though, came the fear. Of the present, and the future. (Particularly the future.) I feared that I lost the only identity I had, and how people would react. (In fact, I still have that fear now. Obviously of my family, but to a lesser extent, people on here--I have that worry that people will treat me differently, in spite of the fact that it's still the exact same person, here. Just different in one way.)

Then the dreams came and I saw something, something which felt so right, that I couldn't deny it. Yet I was still there, wondering about it anyway, until the accident I was in. I talked about the accident before in my thread, about my thoughts. But one of the thoughts that stuck out to me the most...was the terrifying thought, "I won't live long enough to express the real me". A real me I had begun to see in my dreams, over and over again, just modified to fit the dream as any other. A figure that eventually leaked into my thoughts during the day, increasingly at the front of my mind. And I realized...it was me. Not the me you've come to know. The me that I actually am. The more the mental image solidified, the more I realized how true it was.

The me I saw before felt different. It felt borrowed, it felt like a theoretical future, rather than the real one. This one...not so much. Even though the image is not real, I already feel as if it was. In spite of not looking that way, I already feel it.

I don't like anything about being a guy. It's probably contributed to a fair share of my misery over the years, that denial. But now, I know. It's not just some feminine habits. It's everything except for what people technically see in me.

It's difficult for me to say, but...while I might look like a guy...I'm not.

I feel like a girl.
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7th Feb 2014, 10:47 PM #145
Danger wasp

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I always felt awkward since I am hiding the fact that i am a bisexual for a pretty long time, but i told my mom and, surprisingly she was cool with it, i told my friends, they seem cool with it. my dad, not cool :(
7th Feb 2014, 11:27 PM #146
Atsuuikakura
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ranger_brian_new:

I don't like anything about being a guy. It's probably contributed to a fair share of my misery over the years, that denial. But now, I know. It's not just some feminine habits. It's everything except for what people technically see in me.


Yeah that's how I feel too. Being able to talk about i does make it feel a bit better though.

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8th Feb 2014, 1:56 AM #147
snarkington
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ranger_brian_new:I feel like a girl.

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And I know it's tough to feel like it when you're surrounded by difficult folk, but

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8th Feb 2014, 3:02 AM #148
DoctorCalamity

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snarkington:
ranger_brian_new:I feel like a girl.

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And I know it's tough to feel like it when you're surrounded by difficult folk, but

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Everybody needs one of these posts.
8th Feb 2014, 7:16 AM #149
Jadelynn
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ranger_brian_new:I feel like a girl.


Congratulations on not just realizing your own feelings, but having the courage to follow through with them, at least on the internet.

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8th Feb 2014, 8:47 AM #150
JimiRaffety
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So I poked my head into this thread out of curiosity and started reading through it. I've always had lessened interest in romantic relationships without an emotional connection, but have never really been able to put it in words, or really even understand it myself.

I'm straight, and I've had girlfriends with which I've had sexual relationships, but it's always felt really awkward, especially at first. That is of course until I've become more comfortable with them. Then it's great, actually. Just the thought of having sex without that emotional connection is bizzare to me.

So anyway, I guess that puts me somewhere along the lines of demi-romantic? It's actually really liberating to be able to put it into words and you know, wrap my mind around it. There's been times where I've wondered if I was actually asexual, but that just never was an accurate label, as the desire for sex and romance was still there, I just need to feel a connection first.

I suppose my comic actually pretty well reflects this too, with the way that I write about romance with my characters.

Well, I definitely should thank this thread for helping me understand myself a bit better.

So... does anyone have any advice, knowledge, experience, or other kinds of words of wisdom they can share with me? This is a big first step for me to really be able to discuss the exploration of my sexuality like this, so any support would be supah fantastique.
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8th Feb 2014, 11:06 AM #151
Jarvi
formerly Saari
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ranger_brian_new:It's difficult for me to say, but...while I might look like a guy...I'm not.
I feel like a girl.


Hello there lady! :)
I'm really happy for you! It's really hard not to know who you really are, so it's great that you have found that out!
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8th Feb 2014, 5:02 PM #152
JimiRaffety
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Okay so I actually did some more research and I had my terms a bit confused. I suppose a more accurate descriptor for me would be "heteromantic demisexual."
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8th Feb 2014, 7:39 PM #153
Atsuuikakura
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Hey everyone I decided to change my gender symbol from undisclosed to female symbol. After seeing brian come out and stuff I kind of felt like i should do that even though I already made it clear how I feel here.
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15th Feb 2014, 11:04 PM #154
Pavchka
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Bloomer:Ah, you're right. Society feels that sex is something everyone should want to have.


*chimes in late* Sheik and you hit the nail on the head. Here in the Netherlands there's a TV show of which the Dutch name translates to "I haven't done it yet". It's about virgins. Those weird anomalies that haven't had sex yet. I'm almost 28 and a virgin - not because of religion or something, but because I have no sex drive and don't feel like reproducing either*. Imagine that, not having a sex drive is so taboo that they made a TV show about it. ._.

Having sex just to be able to say you've had sex feels pretty dumb to me.

Congrats to Ranger and everybody else who has come out. :)Some time ago, when I was shopping, I stumbled into a person who was in the process of changing gender. Her voice was still masculine, but otherwise she was a great-looking woman (and nice too).

* I'm not in conflict with myself about that. Sensei** told me I should always stay true to myself, so I see no reason to force myself to do things I don't want to do just because society expects me to.
** I'm a martial artist. My Sensei is a lesbian woman who's all kinds of amazing. She's blown me off my socks on more than a few occasions (even literally).
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20th Feb 2014, 6:19 AM #155
Cruella

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Do you have to come out? What are the virtues of doing so if it is irrelevant to your life? I can understand the necessity if you are looking for a relationship or you need to adjust the expectations of family and friends, but if you appear straight (or even mostly identify as straight), does acknowledging this publically matter?

Is it important to do so to show solidarity? Or is it misappropriation? My first relationship was with another girl but I don't know if I can or should identify as bisexual/pansexual when it doesn't appear to really manifest itself in my life to others, but at the same time I might be contributing to the erasure of QUILTBAG people and reinforcing the status quo by proxy...

I still have a lot of guilt and shame about that experience. I was shamed by my peers and eventually by the girl herself, who was quite a good Catholic... Her dad eventually told me to stop staying over. It was a really sad and confusing time, I guess my first heart break, as I lost not only my best friend but my entire group of friends...

I think I made some comments in regards to this in the past that offended people, but I hope that this post reveals a deeper conflict I have within myself about this. To some extent I think I'm still in denial about this experience, and in denying it about myself, I've at times unfairly denied others of their own identities or dismissed them in some way. I'm sorry for that.
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20th Feb 2014, 6:59 AM #156
Sheik
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I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I can't imagine how bad it would have felt.

The bottom line is it's up to the individual to decide if they want to come out. There are many reasons why they may want to, and many reasons they may not. It could be for personal reasons or to support people's rights on the issue

I think the pros and cons are a very big subject and it depends on a persons circumstances, and simply if they want to or not. I don't necessarily feel right speculating about it, because I'm heterosexual, but I'm sure there's a lot of good literature and resources/support forums where it's discussed.

But yea, bottom line is it's entirely a persons own decision and I understand how your experience would have shaken you. You feel how you feel and I hope you can be comfortable discussing these things here if you want to.

20th Feb 2014, 7:46 AM #157
Fubar
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Yeah, I've been having a similar issue. Like, I have this kinda guilty feeling that I'm not 'out' enough? I'm bi/pan/whateverilikedicks, and it doesn't really show in any way in my life. I present myself as male and I don't really have mannerisms or anything like that that're distinctly male or female (personally I don't believe in inherently male or female traits, they're mostly an artificial social construct IMO. Feel free to disagree). So everybody assumes I'm straight, I guess.

I kinda feel like it's not a big deal, I shouldn't have to announce my sexuality to people, but at the same time it feels, like Cruella said, contributing to the erasure. I kinda feel guilty about calling myself bi too, it feels like I'm some poser not gay or straight enough.

It's like I'm stuck in some weird, sexual purgatory.
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20th Feb 2014, 8:03 AM #158
CB_Young

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First off, I'm sorry that happened to you, Cruella, that isn't something anyone should have to go through.

I'm not one of those extremists who thinks that everyone absolutely must be out, In the end, it's the individuals choice, and I won't hold it against anyone, but I do think that those who can--should. Coming out might not have been particularly relevant to my life, but it might be for someone else. Knowing that you aren't alone can be really helpful to someone struggling with their identity, especially those in family and social situations that don't accept them.

To this day I've still had people be shocked that I'm gay and not a drug addicted fashion designer parading around in ass-less chaps. So many people base their opinions of LGBT sorts on some rather limited and negative stereotypes, and learning that they know someone who has been that way all along does a lot to change those views. It's harder to hold the same prejudices about someone you care about. Just learning that not everyone fits into that mold can do a lot to get some people over, or at least over talking outlaid about, their negative bias towards LGBT people.
We are moving out of a time when you only learned that someone was gay as part of a scandal--and that was seldom in a positive light. That that didn't do anything for the gay people who were pushed further into the closet the avoid the same thing happening to them. It isn't something that a big deal needs to be made about, but it isn't something I'll ever hide again. Even if just for the fact that long term relationships tend to be things that people other than the two or more involved in them know about.
23rd Feb 2014, 11:20 PM #159
Pavchka
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Fubar:(personally I don't believe in inherently male or female traits, they're mostly an artificial social construct IMO. Feel free to disagree)


Can't say I disagree entirely. Society creates rules and role patterns people have to adhere to or else, creating sets of "rights and constraints". For example the bizarre rules that men drink beer and women drink rosé, boys are supposed to have sex, but girls are sluts if they're not virgins, or that men must hold doors open to women, but women don't have to hold doors open to men. They all stem from the idea of how the prototypical, or archetypical, man or woman should be. Sucks if you can't conform to the stereotype.
Maybe there is a little nature in there, but also a helluva lot of nurture.

My parents initially intended on raising me without those constraints, but when I turned 15 they suddenly started trying to shape me into the perfect woman, meaning they wanted me to dress nicely, get my hair done, be obedient and extravert, do lots of chores and be in a permanent state or modest happiness. Unfortunately I'm a tomboy, just like my mom used to be until people beat her into submission (she's now afraid of everything, while she used to be afraid of nothing at all). I identify as female, but I can't identify with other females or males. Or perhaps I can identify with both to some extent. I don't really know. I'm not good at interacting with people in the first place. I considered listing my gender as "genderqueer" on Comicfury, but I'm happy with being a female, so I didn't know if that'd be appropriate.
A precious friend told me that though I have a female body, he doesn't think of me as female; he perceives me as both genders combined. I'm fine with that. Ideally I want to be a little bit of both so I'll be able to understand people better, but for quite some time I was confused about why I couldn't conform to what people expected of me.
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Heh, even today people mistake me for a male when I'm at work because I'm a cycling postal worker, a job mostly performed by males.
I don't think gender's binary per definition. There are gradations and everybody is unique.

By the way, if I excessively yap about myself, that's because I'm having a problem with relating to others and prefer to use myself as an example, to stay in the safe zone. :( So that's not supposed to be egocentrism of any kind.
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3rd Apr 2014, 7:58 AM #160
ranger_brianna_new
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So as of today, I've changed my username. It's a small change--just adding two letters. But already, it feels right, and makes me so much happier to see. :)
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Forum > Mediterranean Avenue > The Coming Out and Queer Support Thread [taste the whole spectrum of the queer rainbow] [read the rules before posting]
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