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"Bass-Ackwards Reviews", 16th Mar 2017, 6:21 PM #1
melaredblu

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Opinions are like rectums, and I am one. I'm a snobby lackwit with skewed priorities. I will misrepresent your comic and twist everything that's good about it so that it sounds like a bad thing because it doesn't meet my pretentious expectations. Any sane person would love your comic for the reasons I denounce it.

Sign up below if you want your comic to get the bass-ackwards treatment. I'm only taking 8 right now, because 8 is symmetrical and anything that's not perfectly symmetrical is, just, literal cancer.

*edit* Sign-ups are closed. Reviews soon to come!
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16th Mar 2017, 7:22 PM #2
Agent Cheshire

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This sounds hilarious, please tell me about how bad my comic is.
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16th Mar 2017, 8:15 PM #3
Zanreo
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This sounds hilarious, gimme some sick burns (2016 and later though because no point in roasting my terrible old stuff)
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16th Mar 2017, 9:09 PM #4
SharpyTheYellowKirby
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I fucking need this
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16th Mar 2017, 9:15 PM #5
snuffysam

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This sounds amazing, sign me up.
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16th Mar 2017, 11:22 PM #6
Thorsby

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16th Mar 2017, 11:27 PM #7
ProRevo128
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This sounds fike lun!

Link in sig
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17th Mar 2017, 1:43 AM #8
loyaldog
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Holy shit, this sounds awesome. Please destroy me.
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Inner Dialogue: A webcomic about a person who hears voices. Well, really just one voice, but it's weird to say "hears a voice". It's technically a more accurate description, but no one ever says - you know what, just read the comic.
17th Mar 2017, 2:09 AM #9
Mystic-Snail

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End me sempai
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17th Mar 2017, 4:32 AM #10
melaredblu

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Vanalith is up first. And of course it's just total trash, why would I expect anything better? Sigh, the things I have to put up with.

Like, seriously, dude, are you even paying attention? Your first page--FIRST PAGE--is upside-down. I shouldn't have to point out basic freaking stuff like that. And what even is this character walking on? Blue circles? Yeah, that's some stable ground you got there. I'm guessing physics wasn't your strong suit in high school, but--spoiler alert--you can't walk on thin air. Would it have killed you to put a sidewalk or something? Even two-year-olds understand the concept of walking on the GROUND.

Oh boy. I can just tell it's only gonna get worse from here. But let me take a second to tell you some basic-level stuff about site design, since you apparently fell asleep in web design class at whatever backwater community college you went to.

Seriously. Dude. What is up with that background? It's worse than AIDS. First of all, spider webs? Spiders are gross. There's a reason we don't have any pop culture icons associated with spiders, because nobody likes spiders. Period. If you do, you probably ate paste in grade school. Is that why you filled your page with nasty cobwebs? It looks like you haven't swept for weeks. And where are those arms even coming from? There's way too much space between them. I can't believe I had to redline your website, but since you have no concept of how to design a good background, here you go.

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It's like I'm teaching basic anatomy to an amoeba here.

And back to the comic. Oh good, the character is still walking on thin air. Nice to see you couldn't even fix this basic mistake. And there's a crown with what I can only guess is supposed to be blood coming out of the gem? What sense does that even make? Gems don't have blood! They are not--I repeat, NOT--organic life forms. There's creative license and then there's just plain stupid. Do I need to add biology to the list of classes you skipped in kindergarten?

Agh, whatever. I can't take any more of this prologue. TL;DR, learn how to draw a sidewalk for once in your life, because every single solitary page is missing an actual ground to stand on. Lazy.

And then we reach the cover page, and--oh joy, the colors are all grainy and totally inconsistent with the coloring style before. How did you mess this one up? At least the arms in the background attach to something for once, but you DO realize people only have two arms, right?

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I'll just add math to the list of classes you missed while you were in a tragic coma in preschool.

The second chapter finally gets its act together and learns how physics works, but it also has absolutely nothing to do with the nonsense in the prologue. Just some chick getting up in the morning and getting ready for her day and pointing out insistently that she got up late. I guess the comic wants us to think that's important or something, as if it's hinting at bigger parts of her character, but it's just sleep, dude. She's not some special snowflake because she "slept in." And why did you even have that prologue if you're not going to immediately follow up with it? Not that I care, it didn't make sense. If you can't make everything about your story completely obvious and transparent right off the get-go, then I'm sorry, but your comic is just a failure.

Also, what's up with that title? It doesn't have anything to do with the comic. Protip: the very first page should explain the title right away. Stop jerking your audience around with all these non-answers and just spell it out.

So, yeah. Learn physics and maybe try to have a coherent story. Good luck getting anybody to follow this unreadable garbage otherwise. 0/10.
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17th Mar 2017, 5:38 AM #11
Agent Cheshire

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Oh no, you've hurt my delicate feels so much I might slip back into that tragic coma while I lay on my pile of trash.

I sure love a good roast, thank you
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17th Mar 2017, 11:25 PM #12
melaredblu

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Okay, here we go again. Consolers today.

So I guess this is a gamer comic, but it's complete nonsense. It doesn't follow the established style of Two Gamers on a Couch at all, which is the only proper way to making a gaming comic. You clearly didn't put any time or effort into researching your comic's genre before setting out to make a comic, did you? Yeah, that's what I thought. Come back after you've read the entire archives of Penny Arcade and hang your head in shame, because you'll never be as good at Two Gamers on a Couch as the quintessential masters of the craft.

The characters in your comic are a joke and not the clever kind. I guess they're supposed to be gaming companies, but they're also people? Companies aren't actually one person, they're a bunch of people, doy. Maybe they're supposed to be the CEOs or something, but they look nothing like the CEOs. I know, because I Googled the CEOs of NX, Play Station Four, and Xbox360, and they don't look like this.

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Are you even trying to do your research? You always talk about things these CEOs supposedly did, but I never heard of Platinum wearing glasses. They don't even have a pair of glasses in their logo. Where are you getting this material from, a coloring book from McDonald's? And since when was there ever a gaming company called Tiger? I've never heard of it before. When I look up tiger on google, these are the results I get.

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If I can debunk your comic with a two-second Google search, then it's obvious you're not even trying. Also, this is by far your worst strip. It's...it's just too stupid for words. Whoever made this should be strung up from their eyelids by a rusty hook for befouling the world with this cancer.

I just can't even with this comic. It's so incompetent. How can anybody enjoy a gaming comic that doesn't do any of the research and doesn't even follow in the footsteps of the old masters? It doesn't even TRY to do what literally everybody else is doing.

I quit. You suck. Take all of my middle fingers.
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18th Mar 2017, 10:50 PM #13
melaredblu

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Back to reviews, I guess. Today, we read I'm Not Your Friend.

This comic is MESSED UP. First of all, what's up with the color of the characters' hair? They're all these crazy unrealistic hair colors like pink and purple. I don't know you probably didn't make it past fourth grade, but human hair doesn't come in every color of the rainbow. And why are all these characters girls? Are you trying to imply that all girls have colorful hair with distinctive easy-to-recognize hairstyles? That's pretty stereotypical of you.

And what's with these girls talking to the some mysterious presence just off-panel in the first few strips? I don't see anybody there. Are they talking to a ghost? Are they actually communing with the devil just off-screen? Is this entire comic just a Satanic ritual to corrupt our children and destroy our crops? Did you ritualistically embue these characters with sapient life so they can cast us all into the fiery chasm? This comic is of the devil, folks! I mean, just look at how they talk. Those black bars are obviously the Black Speech of Hell, invoking demons to flay us alive. It's all so obvious! They're coming for me! I can see their evil eyes peering f̟͙̞̗͉͉r̡̦̙̮̪̞̗̗̹o͝҉̹̘̼̼͜m̡͙͕̺̺͝ ͔̬̕͝ṱh̯̱̖͎̻͍̲͎̀͡è͔̠̰̩̖̣͙̫̦͘ d̑ͦͤ̆̐̑ͫͭ̾̎̑ͭ̍̾̋̌ͬ͛̊͏̠̺̺͚͈͇͜a̢̮̼͍͎͉̮̯̗̠͍̯͈͚̥͈̲͒̒̀͌͗̋ͤ͌͊ͩ̿́͟͞ȓ̓ͯͬ҉̸̥̬͖̤̬̱̲͉̞̲̟̜͘̕ͅk͐̐͆̚͏̪̻̙͉͎̤̩̝͎͇̺͖̭̜͈͕̪n̨̧͖̙̙͒͂̈́̆̐̊̃͑̋ͫ͗̑͜͞ė̶̸̷̜͙̙̣͍̰͖̲̐ͩͥͪͣ͆̇̾͘͟ͅs͔̙̗͈̩̹̗̫̤̯͎̖̖͕͚̏̈́ͦ͒̒̋̎̐̏ͬ͐͑̒̈́̾̓ͥ̀ͅs̸̴̟̤̥̮̥͙̭̭͊͒ͫ͛͐ͭ̒̍̐͂̑̋ͭ͟͞ ̶̶̧͈͙͕̦̥͖̪̜̼̞͕̝̯̗̞̥̦͂̑ͨͭͤ̋ͪͮ̀̀̚a̛̗͔̫̤̟͚̝͎̬̜̙͔͓̪̥ͯ̊̈ͤͅņ̴̹͈͍̮͇͎̙̖̮̫̜̪́̉͆ͩ́̽̊̀d̸̼̩̮̟̲͓̿̅͗͐͒͗͗͆̿ͭ̎̆͒ͭͮ̅͐̋́



*edit* Okay, I'm back. My shrink told me I have to take these dumb pills, but what does she know? Bah. I have my tinfoil hat on. I'll be fine. Back to the review.

Anyway, all that weirdness aside, I guess this is a slice of life comic about six girls bantering and giving each other a hard time. Which must mean that every character in this comic hates each other. Nobody teases somebody unless they hate them, so clearly these six girls are mortal enemies who are actively plotting each others' gruesome demise. That's super-dark, bro. What's wrong with you? Somebody needs to see a shrink. Don't think you can distract me from your insane machinations with these cute little jokes. I see what kind of sick, twisted person you are.

So yeah. This comic is actually pure evil. It forces unrealistic standards on girls, chronicles the sadistic mind of a comic creator who wants to see his characters slowly destroy each other, and might actually cause the devil to manifest in this physical realm if you read it. I feel like I need a shower and my tinfoil hat is all mussed up now. I'm out.
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19th Mar 2017, 12:34 AM #14
Zanreo
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Hahaha, thanks xD Made me laugh

(Also, that Penny Arcade tab xD)
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20th Mar 2017, 3:12 AM #15
melaredblu

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Alright, time for another review. This time, it's Super Galaxy Knights Deluxe R, a comic just just gets worse with age.

First of all, do you even know what consistency is? Like, look at the difference between the first comic page and the latest:

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I don't even think you're trying. Webcomics are a serious art, and if you can't keep your art style totally consistent from beginning to end, then you really should just stop breathing. I mean, look at this mess! Smoothing out the lines? Making the lettering neater? Getting rid of those lines in the background that make it look like you drew the comic on ruled paper and then scanned the pencils in? Did you seriously make the leap to digital without a single thought of how much trauma this would put your readers through? You can't just change things like that! Your comic is supposed to stay the same all the way through! You should be doing what the illustrious creator of Ctrl+Alt+Del does and just copypaste everything so there's never any variety. This is webcomic 101, people!

Aside from that, your main character, Mizuki, is terrible. She's a busty blonde chick, and all busty blonde chicks in fiction are bimbos, of course. So what's with you constantly having her break character? She's way too competent! Instead of being helpless and yet somehow still vaguely sexy, Mizuki is intelligent, has the strength of an ox, and acts like an equal partner, if not outright leader, to Cahe. Seriously, they're always working together. You clearly have no idea how to write women or how character chemistry works.

You also clearly have no idea how to spell, as the dialog on these pages shows. Did you have a brain anuerism halfway through the page, or are you just too lazy to bother writing good dialog? You also clearly don't realize that webcomics are comics and no television shows. What's up with these animated pages? Did you forget this isn't YouTube? Hint: it's not. And your grasp on biology is weak at best. I don't care what crazy lifehack you've heard, being a sailor doesn't make you immune to arrows. Look it up sometime. If you can't keep your comic rooted in reality constantly, then you might as well throw yourself out a window and spare the rest of us.

So yeah. This comic is an abomination. Don't bother reading it. It'll just make you want to vomit your brain out your ears.
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20th Mar 2017, 3:32 AM #16
SharpyTheYellowKirby
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melaredblu:This comic is actually pure evil.

Crud someone figured it out. Gotta cancel the comic and purge all evidence of its existence now. brb
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20th Mar 2017, 3:54 AM #17
snuffysam

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Well, you got me there. Except for one thing...

melaredblu:I don't care what crazy lifehack you've heard, being a sailor doesn't make you immune to arrows.


Clearly you haven't met very many sailors.
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20th Mar 2017, 4:46 AM #18
CRISTODEAK

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I'd be honored if you smeared my crapy comic.
Needs a lot of work and i could do with your poetic words.

Typer - Pajina uno
20th Mar 2017, 5:03 AM #19
melaredblu

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CRISTODEAK:I'd be honored if you smeared my crapy comic.
Needs a lot of work and i could do with your poetic words.

Typer - Pajina uno


Er, yeah. Imma step out-of-character a minute here.

Sorry dude, but if that's what you want, this thread won't help you. These are joke reviews where I roleplay as a deranged, asinine know-it-all to deliberately misrepresent (and therefore highlight) the best aspects of a comic. Roasting a comic on things it actually needs to improve is a little mean for my tastes. Besides, sign-ups are full now and have been for a few days.

You can PM me if you want some feedback that's not in-character, though. I won't be able to get back to you right away, but I'll certainly add it to my to-do list.

Back in-character now. More reviews comin' up tomorrow, peasants. I expect to be disappointed.
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21st Mar 2017, 3:55 AM #20
melaredblu

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Okay, Trixie Slaughterhouse is up next.

First of all, the beginning is garbage. Everybody knows that fantasy comics are supposed to start with long-winded prologues that explain how the world works and what evil overlord the heroes have to defeat. Not only does your comic not have an evil overlord spelled out for us, but it starts right in the middle of the action. Did you forget to put the first twenty pages up or something? This is just sloppy.

You clearly don't understand anything about how mass works. Those crystal ball things? How do you expect people and animals and gigantic monsters to fit inside them? Come on, I know you're probably a little dense in the brain, but surely you can see that those balls are too small for anything bigger than a butterfly to fit inside. And--news flash--elephants are bigger than butterflies. Some of these creatures don't even look like real animals. You can't just make up an animal like that! You have to base everything on reality, and that means realizing that there's no such thing as a sauce puker. Plus, how is Audrey able to carry all of those balls around in the first place? Obviously they must be heavy if they're carrying giant monsters in them, but she lugs them around like they're nothing. How are they able to breathe in there? What do they even eat? How can you possibly expect me to enjoy your comic if you can answer minutia like that?

Don't even get me started Lyndon's magic, either. All he can use is forcefields and candy spells. There's no way such lame magic could ever come in handy. He should have lightning beams or something cool like that. Who wants a wizard that can only make candy? That's stupid. You're stupid.

And then there's the political bits in the comic. You obviously don't know how to write politics into a comic. You're supposed to set up a "good guy" who agrees with all of your opinions and have them easily defeat the "bad guy" who has bad opinions. The bad guy isn't allowed to make good arguments ever and you should force your personal political views down your readers' throats at every opportunity. This is the height of literature. Instead, you have, like, four different sides and some of them even seem to be working together and they're kind of corrupt yet oddly hilarious. Don't you realize you can't just poke fun at politics like that? Anyway, I guess Trixie is the "good guy," but I don't see how I'm supposed to know that if you don't force your opinions about today's Real Issues into the story. Remember, politics in fiction are never allowed to be silly or do anything but soapbox what you think your readers should believe.

This comic is hopeless, to be honest. I don't see how anybody could enjoy this garbage. It seems like all it cares about is being flippantly entertaining. But who would ever read a comic to be entertained?
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