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Forum > Critique > [Me]: "Just fuck my shit up fam." || [Comic Fury]: "Say no more." ⌈Critique Tweezen Please⌋
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"[Me]: "Just fuck my shit up fam." || [Comic Fury]: "Say no more." ⌈Critique Tweezen Please⌋", 11th Aug 2017, 8:36 PM #1
Bryfang
in the BIG CITY
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Posts: 723
Registration date: 18th Oct 2016
Location: New York, NY
My Webcomic: http://tweezen.com


There's been so many critique threads going around lately and I've been missing the cut off on all of them. I've never wanted to get critique before because Tweezen is my baby and I already know it's not perfect, but admittedly seeing all those critiques did start the itch on wanting to know what people think of my comic so here I am with this thread. It's like not wanting to jump into the cold pool but seeing so many others doing it made me realize it might not be so bad.

I wanted to get a chapter out the way before I made this thread, but I figure 14 pages is enough for someone to know how they feel about it so I'm jumping the gun on this. In addition, I also wanna know your opinion on the site itself. I made sure the site was as accessible as possible, I wanted to make sure people could go anywhere they want with minimal clicking. That's why I made sure the nav buttons were on both sides of the page, as well as manually putting in the archive dropdown. Also is it easy on the eyes? Do you like the color choices?

As a disclaimer, I realize there's some inconsistencies right now with the art and I plan to clean them up later. So if a character isn't wearing an article of clothing the same way he did in an earlier page, I know that and just haven't gotten around to it yet. I liked some design choices later and rather than stay consistent with something I didn't like, I just went for it and decided to retroactively change it later.

Also I want to go with lowercase font, but can't afford the font I want yet, and can't find a free alternative to it just yet. CC Wild Words Lower. ;~;

One last thing with the shading, I have no idea how to shade and just have been winging it the whole time. Someone put me on to vector shading by the time I got to like.. page 10 or so and have been going with that since. I wanted to go back and reshade the former pages, but lost all the Photoshop documents of every page before 13 so sad days there. I just gotta take the L on those pages. Gotta admit, it's why I haven't been rushing to "fix" the earlier pages.

Outside of those though, everything else is fair game. What do you like? Don't like? Just fuck my day up, no hard feelings. If you feel like pulling any punches, someone already told me my comic gave them cancer so you can't do any worse than that guy. If I disagree with something or want to explain myself, I reserve the right to do so, but it'll be totally professional; I won't get butthurt and won't take anything personally. I recognize that I'm willingly putting myself in this position.

Thanks in advance to any and all who review this.

http://tweezen.com
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Tweezen: Light of the Shadow
|| Genre: Fantasy/Action/Adventure
Latest Update:  September 19, 2017
12th Aug 2017, 2:33 AM #2
E-hero Vulven
tells us a tale of e-bravery
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Registration date: 17th Mar 2012
Location: Solid State Society
What I like best: the website

What I liked least: everything else

The site is badass. If you hover your mouse on top, the logo changes! Not a fan of the Japanese text on the logo though, it reeks of tryhard. Tone down the swearing, cussing is like a spice. The censoring just shows us that you're using store brand. The character's names strike me as generic. Seriously. Freeman? Jazzy Bottoms? Is this The Boondocks? Your monster looks like a recolored runt Gengar. Better watch out when you get famous because Game Freak will C&D your behind. I can't say much about the story yet since it's only 14 pages long; there's nothing that I haven't seen in other fantasy-based stories here yet. Freeman being the quiet type hurts my interest since he's like a blank slate NPC. You need to flesh him out ASAP if you want me to care about him at all. Spikehead's kind of a prick but I guess that's intentional. The backgrounds look decent. The characters *cough* ...look acceptable. You put more effort on the art than some others in this site so that's a plus.

Edit:
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12th Aug 2017, 3:33 AM #3
Robotwin.com

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Registration date: 22nd Sep 2010
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If it's only 14 pages, I'll just go through page by page and stream some thoughts as I read. About the font, Comicraft has an annual New Year's Day sale where everything is $20 plus change, so maybe get Wild Words direct from them if you don't mind waiting.

Pages:
1. Beautiful establishing shot of a forest. "Welcome to the world of Ja'aire" looks like a huge type size, so big that I'm thinking this might be for kids.

2. The quality of the tree drawings doesn't look the same on this page. Then there's an abrupt jump cut to a close-up of these warriors. Seems like there should be a long shot of them from further away to ease the reader into the close up. I feel like there should be some narration on this page that ties it into the first welcoming narration.

3. Another big splash page and close-up. This looks like a high fantasy adventure out in the magic forest. I'd like to see some swords and fighting monsters by the third page in, to help show what the narration is telling me.

4. The page design here looks like the 1980s style, so I'm getting disoriented, like maybe this isn't high fantasy like I thought. And the guy is sitting down casually, no longer in adventure armor. Two pages in a row, characters are staring directly in the camera at the viewer for unknown reasons.

5. The word balloons are perfect ellipses and don't follow the shape of the lettering, which leaves too much empty space in the tops and bottoms. Censoring the bad words looks distracting. But bad words look out of place anyway because the type face is generally so large like a children's book.

6. Again too much space in the word balloons. Also, it looks like the tails have inconsistent widths. Some experts says it's really bad to have orphans, or those lonesome words at the end of a paragraph with nothing to the left of them.

7. These suit-and-tie characters show that we're closer to the real world than I thought. When they say "Hey" as a greeting, I think it supposed to have a comma after it. "Bite me shades" should be "Bite me, Shades."

8. Usually, ellipsis is supposed to be three dots. Why is that guy half grinning? Which side of the door is the *SIIIGH* coming from?

9. Looking for a view of the room so I can map where all these characters are.

10. I'm surprised Rock is there too, because only the other guy was shown for the last two pages, entering the room.

11. Nice view! Hmm, Luna and Selene. The generic background patterns behind the characters don't match the colors in the forest. I think it might flow together better if they matched.

12. Character faces seem off model in the last panel. It looks like clown lips on the left one.

13. This is a really cute page and reminds me of Pokemon.

14. It's surprising he doesn't seem to feel the pain of his finger getting bitten with those big teeth. The teeth were a huge foreshadowing on the previous pages, so he should at least lose some blood at this point. So I guess he has an iron finger, and that's why he's laughing. "God" should have a comma after it.

Sorry I wasn't able to answer all the points you wanted, but I'm getting really tired now. I think the easiest improvement might be in lettering if you follow some of the advice in this blog post about the diamond shape. Overall, this looks like a fun comic.
12th Aug 2017, 3:39 AM #4
GMan003
I can explain
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Registration date: 18th May 2011
Location: United States
Bryfang:If you feel like pulling any punches, someone already told me my comic gave them cancer so you can't do any worse than that guy.


"Oh look", said the Internet. "A challenge."

Unfortunately for you, I used up all my snarky hate for today, so I'll give a thoughtful critique instead.

First: Make that header logo smaller. On my tablet, it takes up literally 80% of the screen, and forces me to scroll down with every page. I know people have short attention spans, but we can remember what the name of the comic we're reading is.

Second: I instinctively cringed on page one, seeing a random apostrophe in a constructed name. You seem to be using it to indicate a glottal stop, which is... actually pretty accepted, but so many other people have abused it to make "fantasy-looking words" that I can't help noticing.

Third: Some of the dialogue seems a bit cringey. You bar-censor even "shit" but have a character say "this fuckin' rich mother fucker"? It's like you can't settle on a tone - you want this character to be a badass who doesn't respect society's rules, so he curses a lot, but you don't want to actually curse yourself as an author, so you undercut your own character. (And two "fuck"s modifying one noun is just redundant. I'd have gone with "this fucking rich asshole", just for variety, but "rich bitch" might have been a good choice as well, for alliteration.)

Fourth: You might want to proofread better. On page 11, "Luna and Selene is" doesn't work, even as heavy dialect. You seem to be going for a sort of AAVE-derived speech pattern, at least on some characters, but AAVE would either drop the verb, use "be", or use standard "are", so I'm inclined to believe this was just a typo. (If I had to guess, I'd wager you originally had just a single moon, and then spiced it up with two moons later on.) (Also, using the Greek and Latin words for "moon" to name your moons seems lazy. At least go for the crazy languages, like "Amza" and "Metztli" (Abkhaz and Nahuatl, respectively))

Fifth: Speaking of languages, I took a crack at the Japanese in your header. If I've got it right... it says "randamu nihongo tekisuto", or "random Japanese text" if I make a few guesses about what you were rendering into katakana. And now I'm just too dumbfounded to be mad that I spent fifteen minutes scrolling through kanji to figure that out. If you were doing some sort of clever parody of weeb fiction or something like that, I'd call it clever, but since you don't seem to be, it's just a dumb joke.

Sixth: You spent way too much time writing your lore entries, and not enough on making the actual comic. It looks more like an RPG sourcebook than actual worldbuilding, like you're planning to make a game based on this. If you are, do let me know, so I can eviscerate your game design, but for now I'm just not going to read it because hey, I guarantee nobody else will.

As for the art, it's clean but not particularly good. Focus on anatomy, you're clearly drawing based on other drawings and not on actual people. That's not a very high priority.

And as for the story... it's not bad but in twelve pages, I didn't find a single reason to keep reading. Nothing interesting happened - we've got two generic characters going on a generic quest for a generic sleazy businessman in a generic modern/fantasy world.
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12th Aug 2017, 3:43 AM #5
HapyCow
Neat-o bandito
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Registration date: 18th Nov 2013
Location: California
Bry, I think you're a cool dude and it's nice that you're putting yourself out there for critique! It's scary for sure. I get really nervous before reading any critique I get.

Jumping in. So I definitely have a strong focus on art when I critique, and 14 pages isn't a large amount to really get into writing anyway. But I do wanna say that each page of yours only does 3 or so panels? Sometimes more? The more would be better unless you plan on updating pretty often. That can work for really dramatic moments, just one or 2 panels is good for that. But if it's just a regular page then it should probably be more. (4 or more panels)

Okay so art! Your expressions are very nice, I think that's probably your strong point. And the backgrounds are pretty damn good! But the coloring/shading and maybe character construction could use some work. Make sure you're doing the gestures before going into the details. And think of it in 3D terms. Like how the face is a sphere and the arms are cylinders, that also helps with dressing characters and making it look more believable. And shading is also something that's so important, it can't be rushed or pushed to the side. I see that you pointed out that you can't shade, which is brave to say...>.> But shading doesn't have to be complicated to be good. Again, it's about wrapping around the form. Look in a mirror, see what's in shadow and what's not. Use references ANY TIME you are unsure of something. (I use references all the time) I doodled Stone here for fun to show what you could do to shade (quick and easy)
image
So the light source is from the top left, everything in the right is basically shaded..I honestly don't know how to do armor, that's something you should reference for sure. Adding little highlights here and there is good too. And I want to point this out because it's very important to me, SHADE THE EYES. The eyes are so so important to connecting the audience with the character, and for the eyes to have depth makes that connection better, yeah? I dunno, maybe that's just me.

Speaking of lighting, I'm a huge fan of it and I think it can really help you tell the story. What time of day is it? And adjust the colors accordingly. I feel like a lot of comic artists miss out on this. Showing days passing, and showing characters at night is a really fun part of coloring for me. Here's the colors adjusted for night:
image
It can help mellow the mood or make things more intense...use some red lighting...going into image>adjustments>hue is usually what I do. Or just color balance.

Oh! And since you're having photoshop troubles, just google FireAlpaca, it's free and super easy...I recommend it. I think that's about it!
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12th Aug 2017, 7:41 PM #6
Bryfang
in the BIG CITY
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Posts: 723
Registration date: 18th Oct 2016
Location: New York, NY
I'm on mobile right now, I wanted to reply to all this when I was at a desktop since it'd be easier, but I got some free time now so lemme get at this:

E-hero Vulven:What I like best: the website

What I liked least: everything else

Ouch. Well, I guess this is what I asked for. :x

I wanted to have each thing I'm replying to as an individual quote, but that's hard to do on mobile so I'll just answer in complete sentences as a compromise.

So yeah, I hear that a lot about the Monchies and I can see where people get the impression that it looks like a Gengar. It's a complete coincidence though.


E-hero Vulven:What kind of name is "Tweezen"? It sounds like some hood slang that thankfully never caught on and went mainstream.

Funny enough, it is, or at least it was "hood slang".

It has its own backstory and it also has its own in-universe explanation but that'll all come in due time.

Anyway, thanks for your critique, everything was noted and I'll keep them in mind as I move forward.

Merged Doublepost:

Robotwin.com:

When it comes to the font size, if I remember correctly I went with that size because it seemed to be the manga standard which is the aesthetic I was originally going for. At least it used to be when this was a B&W comic, I've changed my mind on a few of the original design choices, which is why I want to go with a new font. I'll definitely keep the size in mind when I go with that, I'll also keep that sale in mind too.

Yeah, those trees were actually drawn later than page 1. I revisited it and touched it up a tad afterwards. I never really drew trees before so outside of making a stick and putting a bush on top of it elementary style, I was improvising like crazy.

And yeah, I definitely wanted to separate this from any high fantasy vibe. This is to fantasy like the movie Shrek is to the genre. It's a part of it, but definitely not taking it as seriously as any other kinda media. Far as the characters facing the camera, the guy sitting down without his armor is a traditional manga staple as each chapter usually has a character just chillaxin' with the current chapter's name and number listed. To those not familiar with that, I guess it can seem a bit jarring, I'll keep that in mind for the future.

I can understand where you're coming on the word balloons. Those are totally improvised by me and that was the best I could come up with. I'm debating just drawing the balloons by hand in the future, definitely leaning towards the idea more now.

Anyway, thanks a bunch for your critique, I'll definitely keep these in mind as I move forward and thanks again for the font website.

Merged Doublepost:

GMan003:"Oh look", said the Internet. "A challenge."

Unfortunately for you, I used up all my snarky hate for today, so I'll give a thoughtful critique instead.

When it comes to the logo, I never thought that someone would find it too large, I'll keep that in mind for future iterations of the site.

Haha, yeah, apostrophed names. Guilty as charged when it comes to that. Ironically enough I'm not very versed in the fantasy genre so I don't know exactly how abused that cliche is, but it is what it is.

When it comes to the profanity, yeah, I can see where you're coming from there. I knew it was possible Stone would get that kind of reaction, but since he's based off of someone I knew irl and that was literally how he spoke, I just went with it. I know it sounds excessive, but when he speaks in my head, that is literally the words I hear him say, redundancy and all. However, I'll keep that criticism in mind for the future.

When it comes to the proofreading part, "Luna and Selene is" was intentional. I can understand where you're coming from, but that was by design. Far as Luna and Selene's names, I didn't even know what languages they came from. I just looked up names people called the moon and picked my 2 favorites. :p

And yeah, when it comes to the Japanese text, I just wanted some cool Japanese text in my logo. It always makes me smile when someone actually looks it up. :p

Far as the lore entries, this is a comic I've wanted to make for a long time, so I have tons of material just lying around. That was just a little something I had lying around in a Google document that I decided to integrate into the website. I'm aware that the average joe won't read it, but I keep it around for the abnormal jacks that might hit it up. Also when it comes to game design, I do have an idea for a theoretical MMORPG, but that game lives in fantasy along with my hypothetical wrestling federation.

Far as the art goes, I'm well aware it's not the best in the world. The reason why I have so much excess material on the comic and not that many pages is because I put the comic off for so long because I knew I couldn't draw well enough to do the comic justice. But despite that, I started the comic anyway because it was either put out a comic without that good of art, or no comic at all. Even though it looks like I'm drawing from drawings, that is me referring to actual people. I'm aware I got a ways to go, so figure the least I can do is make it as polished as possible.

Far as the story, I know it's a slow burn. I got some ideas that I think is great that should pay off, the problem is getting to them first. I'm aware that this introduction might turn some people off and might not be too great a hook, but it's the way I've invisioned the story going for so long so I pretty much have to go this route. Once they leave the forest, things should start picking up.

Anyway, thanks for your critique, I appreciate it and I'll keep it noted as I move forward.

Next up is Hapycow's post but I don't think I have time to get to it just yet. I'll probably reply to it in a few hours or so.
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Tweezen: Light of the Shadow
|| Genre: Fantasy/Action/Adventure
Latest Update:  September 19, 2017
12th Aug 2017, 8:59 PM #7
Caley Tibbittz Collopy
Sword dude
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Posts: 4265
Registration date: 6th Mar 2012
Location: YOUR MOM.
First thought: You need to lose the crayon-colored image in your sig. I've been avoided Tweezen with the impression that it was a deeply amateurish work, all based on your wildly misleading sig pic.

This comic needs a bitchin': Cover.

Page 2 is: dull as hell. I'm usually loathe to advocate for caption boxes, but why don't you tell me a bit more about the world of Madeupworld while I'm staring at this otherwise pointless page?

...see, on page 3 you tell me "Welcome to the adventure" like it means anything at all to me yet. All I see are two weird dudes in the woods. It looks like cosplayers on a nature hike. WHAT ADVENTURE HAVE I JUST BEEN WELCOMED TO?!?!?!?!?!?

Page 4 reminds me to: Pop on over to JCPenney.com and buy some turtlenecks. This cover-esque image is not only boring, but looks too modern for the outfits we just saw those dudes in.

Elric Town: Looks great, and I love the swearing. But I'm Irish-ish, so maybe I'll lead you down the swear jar rabbit hole.

Page 6: I like the juxtaposition of the rambling speech vs. the more terse speaker. Nicely done.

Page 7: good dialogue*, but the BGs on the last two panels are distracting and acid-trippy.

(*The guy should say his feet "are" killing him, not "is" killing him.)

8: Literally no need for the "Inside Mansion" caption here.

9: LOVE the name Jazzy Bottoms. Hate the speckles in his intro splash panel.

10: Don't love the floating question mark grid, and the figure's angle is too Dutched in panel 4. Less angle would be angle.

11: Not sure about the "a'ight" here. AH-IGGOT-BLAH! (That's a Greg the Bunny reference.)

LOVE the inclusion of two moons here to enhance the setting... but can't they have less obviously terrestrial moon names? I mean, Luna? Too Earthbound, man.

12: Great expressions.

13: Is this a Pokemon riff? I mean, I hate Pokemon SO MUCH...

14: That last panel is really funny. The background is slightly too blurry, I think... it's almost giving me motion sickness to look at it.


OVERALL
Negatives: the production values are inconsistent in regard to backgrounds and such. I feel the comic is under-explained at the start (something that detracts from a comic set on another world). All the characters seem to use the same colloquial style of speech even when it doesn't seem like they should. We're 14 pages in, and I barely know the leads and am on the verge of not really caring -- I mean, why are they there? Money? Why do they want the money so badly? For beer? To impress someone? To retire? 14 pages into SwordCat Princess, and you know my lead is a suicidal immortal. I don't know what these guys are really doing yet, or why. The audience remains firmly on the surface, and I'd like to dip below it FAST from here.

Also: Literally no idea why the book is called Tweezen yet. That should also get done in-story FAST.

Positives: This is a pretty entertaining comic so far. The dialogue is good enough to make me hope there really is a pre-written script you're working from, or at least a detailed outline. I'd hate to see this thing meander aimlessly. The odd couple pairing of the two hunters(?) is well done. The art is a bit inconsistent, but it's also very expressive and charming.

Recommendation:
I'd cut the catalogue model turtleneck page, and replace it with a cover -- and BADASS ACTION cover -- at the actual start of this thing.


Lettering tip for comics using all-uppercase letters: Don't use a capital "I" on anything that is not someone saying "I" or someone's name which starts with an "I". Do not capitalize an "I" just because it's at the start of a sentence.

Do capitalize:
"I went to the store."
"Irving said 'Beer me!'"

Don't capitalize:
"Is it Monday?"
"It's the worst!"

...in those last two examples, use a sans serif "I".

And PLEASE don't use a lowercase font. Action comics like yours demand a classic uppercase look (imo).
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13th Aug 2017, 1:38 AM #8
Bryfang
in the BIG CITY
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Posts: 723
Registration date: 18th Oct 2016
Location: New York, NY
Alright fellas, thanks a bunch for the feedback. I originally planned on replying to everyone individually, but I think I'll just wrap it up like this instead.

Thanks again everyone for the critiques, I'll keep them in mind as I move forward with the comic in the future.
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Tweezen: Light of the Shadow
|| Genre: Fantasy/Action/Adventure
Latest Update:  September 19, 2017
Forum > Critique > [Me]: "Just fuck my shit up fam." || [Comic Fury]: "Say no more." ⌈Critique Tweezen Please⌋
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