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"I Need To Vent", 13th Jan 2018, 8:07 AM #1
Bewareweegee

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So this is something that's been building up in me for a while now, and it's gotten to the point where I need to vent about it.

(For the discretion of those involved, I won't be naming any names.)

From what I can tell, it started in mid-September of this past year. I hadn't heard from a certain friend of mine in awhile, and while on Discord, I noticed he happened to be online, so I struck up a conversation with him. It went well, and nothing seemed too out of the ordinary with him, though I was still a bit worried he might be feeling down.

So, the next day, I sent him a NSFW joke drawing that I had made in an attempt to cheer him up. All he replied was that I had poor judgement. I tried to apologize, but I got no response.

And I haven't gotten one since. I have sent him several messages on multiple sites, sincerely apologizing and asking him to respond, spaced out by days or weeks to avoid spamming him, but not once have I gotten a response.

At first I thought he was unavailable, and worried that I may had inadvertently gotten him in some kind of trouble. But then I noticed that he was still visiting this forum and posting regularly. Then I thought maybe he just hadn't noticed the messages I'd sent him, but it's been four months, and he was still visiting the site fairly regularly! The idea that he hasn't checked his messages or noticed that he had new messages in that time is basically nonsense. I've tried as hard as I can not to jump to conclusions, but by this point the only explanation that makes sense is that this is some petty act of spite towards me.

And the thing that gets to me most is that he's been shunning a close mutual friend of us as well the whole time, and she's never been anything but kind and friendly towards either of us! Yet he's ignoring her, too. It's infuriating seeing how upset it's making her when she shouldn't even be a part of this, whatever the hell this even is!

That's another thing: I don't even really know what this is about or why he's doing this, because we won't freaking tell me! It doesn't even make sense! If he doesn't want to hang out with us anymore, he should just say it! If one of us did something to upset him, he should say it! If he just outright hates me, he should fucking say it!

This is just a load of childish bullshit, and I don't know what else I can do.
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13th Jan 2018, 9:06 AM #2
Matt Comics
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It can be hard to believe, but some people can be incredibly petty sometimes. I used to chat with someone I met in a forum. We often disagreed about theories and stuff, but nothing major. Then one day he kicked me out of the chat (yes, we had a group chat with some other people) for another tiny disagreement on the nature of time or whatever. And he waited one goddamn month to apologize and add me to the chat again. There was no reason to wait one month for that. He was just being unbelievably petty.

(Needless to say, that wouldn't be the last time he acted like that towards me, so I eventually pretty much stopped talking to him and left that boring chat for good. But that's besides the point.)

It's not your fault, and not totally his fault either. There are so many different personalities out there, sometimes people are just incompatible. I'd suggest forgetting him until he comes back, assuming he does. There are nicer people out there, they probably deserve your time more than him.
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13th Jan 2018, 11:43 AM #3
BeeMKay

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Well, things like that happen, because we simply can't read other people's mind, and cannot really "see things from the other side", no matter how hard we try... because we are not the other person.

Perhaps, some tiny little thing got recognized as something completely different, that you would have never thought about in a million years. And because that person who you thought was your friend quite obviously wasn't one of the kind who kicks your ass and yells/rants more or less politely at you when he feels wronged (which are the only types of friends that I keep)... you are now left wondering just exactly what you and your other friend did wrong.

Perhaps, the "poor taste" joke of the comic will clue you in, if you want to look for reasons. Maybe he's in love with someone (you or your mutual aquaintance), maybe he just is sick and tired of something that meant more to you than to him, and he's through pretending to be nice.

That said... and in case the person in question is reading this thread...
Just cutting off a friend without giving a reason doesn't make a difference. You'll bever get that goal of teaching the person a lesson, or punish them, because they don't know WTF went wrong. If you have enough arse in your pants, man up and at least tell them what the big booboo was, or it will eat you, not him, in the end.
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13th Jan 2018, 5:00 PM #4
loyaldog
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Oof. That's upsetting.

That said, I don't think the NSFW drawing was the problem, since you said he stopped talking to your mutual friend as well. It's possible he's going through something and just doesn't want to talk to anyone right now?
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13th Jan 2018, 5:06 PM #5
MK_Wizard

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I don't think it's the drawing at all. It's something bigger, but he has to talk to you about it. I think you have to just give him one more message, but in a serious tone telling him how you feel and how important communication is. You can't not talk.
13th Jan 2018, 5:49 PM #6
E-hero Vulven
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Dunno if this will help but I stopped contact with someone online after they showed me something a bit NSFW. There's also people I met in conventions that I didn't follow after seeing NSFW featured in their pages. I should've asked them if they had SFW pages to watch instead though. My content is PG-13 so I have to be somewhat careful with who I buddy buddy with. It's an image thing I guess.

Pick yourself back up and move on.
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13th Jan 2018, 6:02 PM #7
defo18

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I got a veteran friend who I have not seen in about a year and I'm constantly worried as well but it was probably not the picture sometimes we go through personal things. If you can reach out reach out but if you get nothing but silence all we can do is just wait it out
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13th Jan 2018, 6:14 PM #8
Dodom
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At this point, it doesn't matter whether he were right or wrong to cut you out, he's made his choice clear, are you sure pushing it is a good idea at all? To me, this behaviour sounds like a "no", regardless of the motives behind it.
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13th Jan 2018, 7:03 PM #9
Bewareweegee

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Wow, I didn't expect so many people to respond... Thank you, all of you.

Matt Comics:I'd suggest forgetting him until he comes back, assuming he does. There are nicer people out there, they probably deserve your time more than him.


I've tried to stop thinking about this, but it's hard to put out of my mind. As upset as this situation makes me, his friendship really meant a lot to me. I can't help but hope we can patch things up somehow.


BeeMKay:Perhaps, some tiny little thing got recognized as something completely different, that you would have never thought about in a million years. And because that person who you thought was your friend quite obviously wasn't one of the kind who kicks your ass and yells/rants more or less politely at you when he feels wronged (which are the only types of friends that I keep)... you are now left wondering just exactly what you and your other friend did wrong.


The thing is, whenever I've done something that upset him at all in the past, he was always upfront about it, and usually pretty forgiving. This whole thing seems very unlike him to me, which makes it all the more confusing to me.


loyaldog:That said, I don't think the NSFW drawing was the problem, since you said he stopped talking to your mutual friend as well. It's possible he's going through something and just doesn't want to talk to anyone right now?


I thought that at first, too, but, as I said in the original post, he's still active on this forum. He's still talking to people, just not me or her.

MK Wizard:I don't think it's the drawing at all. It's something bigger, but he has to talk to you about it. I think you have to just give him one more message, but in a serious tone telling him how you feel and how important communication is. You can't not talk.


Trust me, I have. I don't think PMs are effective with him, as he just ignores them. My hope is that seeing this thread will convince him to finally talk about this.

E-hero Vulven:Dunno if this will help but I stopped contact with someone online after they showed me something a bit NSFW. There's also people I met in conventions that I didn't follow after seeing NSFW featured in their pages. I should've asked them if they had SFW pages to watch instead though. My content is PG-13 so I have to be somewhat careful with who I buddy buddy with. It's an image thing I guess.


I understand what you mean, but I don't feel that's the problem. We've traded risque jokes before, and he's never really had a negative reaction to that kind of humor before. That's why it confused me so much that he would have such an extreme reaction to that in particular. By this point, it's clear there must be more to it than that, though I can't for the life of me figure out what.

defo18:I got a veteran friend who I have not seen in about a year and I'm constantly worried as well but it was probably not the picture sometimes we go through personal things. If you can reach out reach out but if you get nothing but silence all we can do is just wait it out


I just can't do any more waiting. It's been four months, during which I've had a lot of personal issues myself, and having the stress of this on top of all of it isn't doing me any favors. I need some kind of closure.

Dodom:At this point, it doesn't matter whether he were right or wrong to cut you out, he's made his choice clear, are you sure pushing it is a good idea at all? To me, this behaviour sounds like a "no", regardless of the motives behind it.


I think you're probably right about that. This is really more about closure for both myself and my other friend than trying to repair our friendship with him at this point.
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13th Jan 2018, 7:25 PM #10
deerwithgoggles

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he doesn't seem like the kind of person worth getting hung up over. you wanting closure and not being able to get it is probably exactly what he wants. don't let him ruin your life because he's a petty human being.

and if he does eventually come back, i really wouldn't give him the time of day again, either, except maybe to tell him goodbye if you're comfortable being the bigger person. he's not worth patching things up with.
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13th Jan 2018, 8:46 PM #11
Caley Tibbittz Collopy
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Something like 90% of the people I've thought of as friends in the last 20 years were really just acquaintances (at best) in the end. Our interactions would seem very positive and energetic and important starting out, but then most of them would lose interest, drift away, or sometimes even become actively hostile toward me. True friendship is a lot rarer than the average Disney movie would have us believe.

If a "friendship" gets strained and weird, just let it go. It'll save you a lot of headache and nonsense.
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13th Jan 2018, 9:12 PM #12
TNTiger

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I'm the kind of person that does this. I cut my friends off a lot. Like, practically every friend I've had. I do it when I feel like I've done something wrong and I feel too much shame to keep talking to that person/I would keep letting them down if I talk to them again. I don't know why. I recognize that it's irrational. And suddenly ignoring someone is not fixing whatever problem I have, it's just making it worse. But it's definitely not an excuse and I wouldn't expect someone to want to be friends with me again (although I still try. Lately I have been realizing just how often I do this and I've been trying to rekindle friendships in an effort to be more mature and assure them that it wasn't anything they did).
so if he's anything like me, then the problem isn't with you! But, of course, you have no way to know that, which is frustrating. It's a really sucky thing for everyone involved.
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14th Jan 2018, 4:23 PM #13
taikina
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these things can happen from a built up tension. like if there's something they don't like about you, and you don't notice, and they're unable to communicate it, and then some stressful stuff builds up, and then it just happens. you pestering makes it harder to unravel all the feelings they might need to explain to you... iunno...
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