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"Religious solicitors", 12th Jun 2018, 2:14 AM #1
WanderingJew
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Some Mormon solicitors just knocked on my door and I just wanted them to
LEAVE ME ALONE
, I was a fool to open the door in the first place.

In my head, I was thinking "maybe I should tell them I'm a Satanist. No, no, a Jewish Satanist..." and then I thought of the absolutely horrible social and historical implications that would cause and just told them, "no thank you, we're Jewish".

If they're going to come back, at least they won't have any inklings of the fact I JUST drew Pazuzu's erect penis last night, or the fact I'm not bothered by demons or monsters in the slightest (cultural things). R-Right? Ha...ha...ha..


I had a classmate who's father had a huge picture of the pope in their front hallway, so any time religious solicitors would come by, they'd just open the door, point to the pope, and close the door LOL.


Do you have any interesting or funny experiences involving unwanted religious solicitors?
Please refrain from posts that are malicious, these are more meant in a fun manner.
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12th Jun 2018, 2:23 AM #2
Kelsey -Nutty- P.

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This isn't funny, but the last one we had told me that shit like the hurricanes and other natural disasters were because people didn't believe in Jesus enough and it made me Intensely Upset but I am a Retail Worker so I have trained myself to treat such people with politeness and then go yell about it with friends later.

Usually these people's visits on my doorstep are very brief but what that man said really struck me. How could someone honestly think something so callous?? Baffling.

I'm hoping that falls more into the "interesting" category lol
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12th Jun 2018, 2:28 AM #3
MissElaney

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The first time I ever encountered a real-deal religious solicitor face-to-face, I was in drag, with my roommate who draws furry porn for a living.

I had approached her at a crosswalk because she looked lost. What she was actually doing was trying to make eye contact with people in order to initiate the Unwanted Conversation and those big doe eyes had looked so vulnerable that I had to rakishly tilt my fedora to one side and ask if M'LADY needed directions, yanno?

And then she was staring at me with a bizarre visual cocktail of confusion and curiosity and just a hint of pearl-clutching (Bible-clutching?) when the voice didn't remoootely match the looks. She steeled herself, blinked, and then plodded on to tell yours truly about the mercy and love of Jeezy Chreezy.

Bless her heart.

I listened to her opener. It wasn't anything out of the ordinary (I'm from blah blah, I was wondering if you have accepted the light of Jesus Christ into your heart, yatata yatata) ... And I was listening, kind of, because I'm Po Lite. At some point I thought to myself, "This is the longest fucking red light ever."

And at that point, she stopped, blinked, and asked, "Excuse me?"

And it was at that moment that I realized I fuckin' said that shit out loud.

For I am a creature of GRACE AND TACT.

So I dismissed her politely saying something like "Oh, I'm sorry. Look, I gotta give you credit for talking to total strangers about your beliefs. Lots of people don't have the balls to do that. But I think you'll get more traction elsewhere. I was baptised Methodist and I'm in the club, have a nice night!"

And then my roomie and I scuttled across the street. My roomie had been silent the entire time but then she was cracking the fuck up and as we cross the street she just shrieks 'I DRAW FURRY PORN FOR MONEY'
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12th Jun 2018, 2:31 AM #4
WanderingJew
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My mailman (who's a cool guy, I don't fault him at all) tried to talk to me about American politics and how it's related to the Book of Revelations somehow, and I kinda just "ha... ha... ha" and told him to read the footnotes and cross referencing.

We don't really get religious doomsday/natural disaster people in this part of WA, but we do oddly seem to have a Jewish polygamist cult that are always soliciting for new "members"/partners on Tinder and dating sites. ._.
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12th Jun 2018, 2:44 AM #5
Kelsey -Nutty- P.

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OH YEAH ALSO I had a teacher in college and we were in the computer lab and I guess he was also a priest and the conversation was going in the religious direction. I don't remember the details but he was very pushy and I was very honest about how I felt on the matter. I remember vaguely about whether or not dinosaur fossils are real.

And he turns to me and ends the conversation with "someday, a light will come on in your head, and you'd just GET IT." and then he angrily left the computer lab, leaving a number of us college kids looking at each like 'omg did that just happen'
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12th Jun 2018, 2:51 AM #6
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I used to have Jehova's witness visit my mom, when I was in my teens.

I often argued with them about evolution. They showed me a pamphlet about how components for a camera would never assemble into a camera, no matter how long you'd wait and compared that to the human eye. I gave them a long lecture about the different stages that eye would develop, mentioned the animals that have these intermediate stages of eyes, who also happened to be correctly placed in the evolutionary family tree; how the eye developed differently between different kingdoms and mentioned that octopus have a superior eye structure to all vertebrates.

I explained how chimps and humans share around 98% of DNA, how there are certain species that can breed between each other on one side of a valley while not on the other end. How humans have redundant organs or physical features, like wisdom teeth that doesn't fit inside an average jaw, appendix and tailbone.

I turned their whole "designer" thing completely around by agreeing with them that evolution is just a bunch of random mutations and then explained that the theory of evolution is about explaining how and why random mutations happen, not that it only produces positive ones. How evolution is depended on design, in order to see positive results. That said "designer" is natural selection (or humans, when we go into selective breeding) and why it doesn't matter if only 1 in 1.000.000 million mutations may end up being beneficial, since offspring with negative traits end up dying.

I explained that humans are among the only vertebrates in the entire world that don't produce their own vitamin C. That we have a flawed gene that turned off that ability, that is present and working in almost all other vertebrates. That it is believed that an ancient ancestor of all humans developed this mutation and that it and all of its future offspring were unaffected, since they were on a diet that supplemented the vitamin sufficiently enough to not affect them. I explained that all the other vertebrates that share this defect are the great apes.

These were fun times.
12th Jun 2018, 3:09 AM #7
junoro
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It's rough when you're a Christian and standing behind the till at a retail job and someone hands you a religious tract and when you say, "Oh no, it's fine, I'm already a Christian," they smile and tell you to give it to someone else.

Like actually I don't think you understand just how much I can't do that??? I even got one of those phoney American $1,000,000 bills on the windshield of my car. The stuff that happens when you live close-ish to the American border I guess
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12th Jun 2018, 3:28 AM #8
Jessie Blue

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I just have a giant Pride flag hanging by my front door. Keeps away the religious as well as conservative politicians.
More amusingly, there was an election here recently, I saw some guys going door to door with pamphlets for the conservative party and even though I was out front weeding they only complimented my garden and didn't try and give me a one.
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12th Jun 2018, 3:34 AM #9
khkddn
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Sometimes when I sit outside on my university campus I get approached by christian frat members. It doesn't happen that much, but it happens enough that I've stopped killing time between classes outside just so I can avoid them.

Sometimes they pretend they aren't trying to recruit you. They'll say they're conducting a survey. I always agree to that one, because I've taken classes where you have to go out and talk to random students. The questions start out innocent enough, like your name and age, and then it jumps straight into "Do you go to church often? Would you like to go to church more often?" and then the light fades from my eyes, I was trying to be nice, I thought you needed to talk to me for a grade, how could you do this to me you tricked me

And I'll continue to fall for it, on the slight chance they could be a regular student who is just trying to get by :(
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12th Jun 2018, 10:38 AM #10
Leafa
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I don't really have any funny stories, people proselyting in the street winds me up, particularly when they're evangelizing Christians preaching things that are an embarrassing distortion of my own beliefs. It requires such a patronising, holier-than-thou attitude towards the wider community.

I used to get into polite but firm arguments with them, but I've given up on that because I've realised we're never going to change each other's minds. (A lady once gave me loads of pamphlets about how mammoth's were on Noah's Ark after I said I was an archaeologist, so... there's that.)

There are Jehovah's Witnesses that stand outside the entrance to the uni where I work every single day handing out literature and at this point if they stop me I just say I'm sorry but we're going to have irreconcilable differences of opinion regarding soteriology. That tends to make them leave me alone ;D

Merged Doublepost:

khkddn:Sometimes when I sit outside on my university campus I get approached by christian frat members. It doesn't happen that much, but it happens enough that I've stopped killing time between classes outside just so I can avoid them.

Sometimes they pretend they aren't trying to recruit you. They'll say they're conducting a survey. I always agree to that one, because I've taken classes where you have to go out and talk to random students. The questions start out innocent enough, like your name and age, and then it jumps straight into "Do you go to church often? Would you like to go to church more often?" and then the light fades from my eyes, I was trying to be nice, I thought you needed to talk to me for a grade, how could you do this to me you tricked me

And I'll continue to fall for it, on the slight chance they could be a regular student who is just trying to get by :(


Oh gosh... I have a lot of stories about the Christian Union at the uni I work for doing things like this. Or luring people into rooms with the promise of free pizza and then SUDDENLY- THE GOSPEL! It's deeply deceptive and I think they should be ashamed of themselves. I'm really sorry it's making you change your routine.
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12th Jun 2018, 12:34 PM #11
Bryfang
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I get the Witnesses every so often.

When patience allows, I go out and humor them. It’s usually just a minute or so tops, and I let them know ahead of time that I’m in the middle of something so they don’t take too long (you can’t pause online games!). They usually give their spiel, give me a panthlet, and go on their way.

I’m an atheist myself, I don’t believe what they’re saying, but I don’t feel comfortable just ignoring the door. Even if I don’t want to talk, it’s just common decency far as I believe. They usually thank me just for showing up, I’m sure a lot of the others in my neighbor aren’t as polite.
12th Jun 2018, 12:41 PM #12
MK_Wizard

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I have had a similar experience. I just say, no thank you and that's it. I don't really have a funny story, but there is some funny irony about the situation. I don't seem like it, but I am very "faithful". I firmly do believe in the Lord and I have icons in almost every room and I make a point of going to church once a month. And when I do go, I donate generously.

I guess what I'm saying is that the funny part in all of this is that the joke is on those door to door people. I already am practising. It's just that I'm a Greek Orthodox Christian. I would never prank these door to door types because I'm just not that type of girl and I have too much respect for faith in general. However, I do wish that they would reciprocate that respect. When I said "no thank you, I follow a different church", they then asked me "how would you like to convert?" That wasn't cool.
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12th Jun 2018, 1:43 PM #13
Bear

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Ah, yes. I took upon the role of neighborhood 'guard dog' - a very friendly, non-biting * one.

As a shift worker, often on the veranda in the p.m., when either J.W.s or Mormon 'elders' ( Haha, rarely old enough for pubic hair, those guys ) came cruising by....
... and as a Bible-study-graduated-atheist, there's little they can catch me out on, or that I cannot logically argue. They love a challenge, so they would often stay long enough, that visiting anyone else on our street was pretty much out for that day B-)

...I'm retired now and have all the time in the world...and yet...I haven't seen any for ages. In fact none so far this year !!! Have I been put on some kind of register, I wonder !

B-)

* although my now long-dead Maremma did once bite a J.W. on the left buttock
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12th Jun 2018, 1:54 PM #14
MK_Wizard

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I wish they wouldn't challenge or try to convert. I'm all for friendly debate, but that's not any such thing. That's gloating. And this is coming from a believer. As long as someone is good and kind, what does their faith matter? Let someone be as atheist, Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Hindu, or anything they want. It's their right. If someone wants to convert or learn, they'll come to you.
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12th Jun 2018, 2:14 PM #15
Bear

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- but that's not how 'sales' works - it has to be cold-calling or home visits ! B-)
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12th Jun 2018, 2:16 PM #16
MK_Wizard

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Then it's not about faith at all when it's all about the sales. If anything, that is a step backwards.
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12th Jun 2018, 2:32 PM #17
MissElaney

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Well, they interpret some things in the Bible as a moral obligation to call and convert other people. These people genuinely believe that if you don't take up their religion in their way, that you will go to hell when you die.

It's kind of like ... This may be clumsy metaphor/simile but,

To imagine the perspective that motivates this behavior,

Imagine that, through whatever means, you knew that someone who sleeps with a space heater in their room was going to burn to death soon because that space heater will fail and catch fire. You know for a fact that it will combust.

You know that if it combusts, it will likely mutilate and/or kill them.

How can you not tell this person "Do not sleep with that space heater" to protect them?

One time when I was in college, there as a guy who was street-preaching. He was loud. He didn't follow anybody or whatever, he literally was improvising a loud sermon. He did this in a plaza. He had an audience for mixed reasons: peaceful protesters and interested individuals included. Then some asshole came up and got inches within his face and started screaming literal gibberish at him, and the preaching guy backed off from him and continued to speak without engaging, only for this dude to track him and continue to get in his face. It didn't help that street-preacher was 5'7", 5'10" tops and yelling-man was like 6'3" and built like a linebacker.

I'm a 5' tall noodle. I remember breaking out of my 'wtf' fugue to confront the big dude but I wasn't the first one to do it, some other guy was like 'HEY' and it was enough to jolt me out of muh sheepness, and together we approached the bigger screaming dude like "what the serious fuck are you doing" because yeah, the preacher was annoying and loud, but he didn't deserve to be assaulted, and that looked like that was where it was headed.

The yelling guy was flustered when he was confronted because he got the message that his demonstration looked like he was going to get physical but according to him he was yelling gibberish at him to show the guy that this is how he comes off. And some other people filtered in to listen to him and confront YellingGuy and check in on Preacher, who was rattled but OK. I didn't think I'd ever side with a street preacher but

YOU DON'T USE POTENTIAL ASSAULT TO DEMONSTRATE THE IDEA OF "DON'T SHOVE IDEAS DOWN MY THROAT", MAN.
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12th Jun 2018, 2:35 PM #18
Bear

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MK_Wizard:Then it's not about faith at all when it's all about the sales. If anything, that is a step backwards.


Heathens out there won't convert themselves ! Atheists and those of the 'wrong' religious persuasion need to be saved from themselves ! IN this world and the next ! God doesn't yet have a Help Desk service, so it's all old-time house call stuff. Nothing wrong with a step backwards, boy!, if it's a step _toward_ the lord !

B-) - G'night all, it's gone midnight down here and I can feel the orangeness coming on *




* pumpkin reference
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12th Jun 2018, 2:35 PM #19
MK_Wizard

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MissElaney:Well, they interpret some things in the Bible as a moral obligation to call and convert other people. These people genuinely believe that if you don't take up their religion in their way, that you will go to hell when you die.

It's kind of like ... This may be clumsy metaphor/simile but,

To imagine the perspective that motivates this behavior,

Imagine that, through whatever means, you knew that someone who sleeps with a space heater in their room was going to burn to death soon because that space heater will fail and catch fire. You know for a fact that it will combust.

You know that if it combusts, it will likely mutilate and/or kill them.

How can you not tell this person "Do not sleep with that space heater" to protect them?


I appreciate the metaphor, MissElaney, but I don't think it's quite the same. I think that while the door to door thing is annoying, it's pretty benign. Usually, if you just say no thanks, they go peacefully. However, what I do think crosses the line is when they ask to convert you or claim their way is better. There's no metaphor for that. That's just not nice.
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12th Jun 2018, 4:39 PM #20
PeterVonBrown

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I'd been walking along, with headphones on, and these two smarmy (sorry, but they were) looking guys with black trench coats were tailing me - but not in a "feel threatened" kind of way. I walked a little faster, so did they. Soon enough one of them tugged on my overshirt and handed me a pamphlet "Are You Going to Heaven?" I politely said thanks, and went on my way.

I then got tapped on the shoulder at the curb. [Uhhh, don't you think someone wearing headphones doesn't want conversation, sir? Apparently he does not.] So I removed my headphones, giving them the benefit of the doubt (ha!). Perhaps they needed directions or such. Instead he said "Can you answer that question?"

I sighed deeply and audibly and then said, "Don't you think if there IS a deity, it knows this is a TERRIBLE way to go about its business?" I then walked into traffic* to their amazement and went on my way.

*Yes, really, but not dangerously. It had been an intersection I'd walked nearly every day, and I'd already made an assessment of the oncoming cars and that I could safely make it across - but it didn't necessarily LOOK that way to them.

----

I also knew a woman who'd been told she's going to Hell because she'd been wearing pants. ???!??!!! Uh... WTF. THIS is what your god is concerned about?? Time to get a new one. Had I been there, I would have said "So you're telling me 'god' is not only sexist, but archaic and non-progressive?" And then walked into traffic. ;)
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