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"Cant stop thinking about romance and things are confusing.", 4 days ago, 9:10 PM #1
defo18

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Registration date: 18th Aug 2012
Location: knoxville tennessee
For years I have scoured articles on the internet and talk to every therapist and relationship expert and personal friend and family female and male for most of my life about this topic.

What does a man need to do in order to be attractive and what does he not need to do?

I get it you're supposed to be confident and when I'm confident everything else will fall into place I understand that but I just don't think that's going to happen anytime soon.

There are so many mixed messages that I'm getting. It's okay being a sensitive man but at the same time I keep finding places where it's not okay

I've never been able to be a manly man and for the last 20 years I've been trying to be that but it's not coming. Which I'll be honest it's making it hard to trust or love women. I know not every woman is the same that's a given.

But I hate when everyone including my therapist keeps telling me that it's okay to be me when everything in my life has told me the opposite.

Even when I do attrack women I feel like I can't love them back because when they find out I'm actually a sensitive soft boy they will leave.

I know not every woman is the same and I know I have to be confident. Sometimes I can't help but feel like how unfair it is.
How do you love yourself when the whole world keeps telling you that the thing that you love about yourself is a flaw. we are not past gender roles as a lot of people like to believe. and I'm tired of wrecking my mind about this day and night.
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4 days ago, 9:35 PM #2
Kelsey -Nutty- P.

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There, unfortunately, really isn't a set amount of rules to what women find attractive, despite all the articles out there telling you there is. And I'm talking beyond things like basic hygiene and not being an insensitive jerkass.

I personally think, like a lot of things in life, when you hone in on romantic Tips and Tricks and wrack your brain over it, overthinking it, you're only doing yourself a disservice. I know Society likes to give everyone mixed signals about what's desirable and ideal and what kind of man you should be, but honestly, at the end of the day, there WILL be a person you'll find who loves you for who you are. And sometimes, they come from unexpected places.

Don't overthink it. Be true to yourself. More often than not it'll come naturally. It'll probably take time. And that's okay.
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4 days ago, 9:40 PM #3
defo18

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Registration date: 18th Aug 2012
Location: knoxville tennessee
I try not to overthink it but it's really hard not to. And I hate myself for it.

Edit: for example for the last couple of years I have put myself out there and gone clubbing and dancing and for the most part it has been fun and I have attracted women but deep down I know these girls do not like me for me.

And in that way I think I can identify with some women because I know a lot of girls who have come across a man who only like them for how they look and I'll be honest that's been my experience as well.
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4 days ago, 10:03 PM #4
Kyo
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i think a lot of advice out there for people looking to brush up their skills in attracting a partner is for one thing, super questionable, and also often approaching it more from an angle of "how to get the sex"

in my opinion, the best thing you can do for yourself is to try and practice both talking to people, and listening to them. And y'know, put yourself out there, which means, talk to people. Try to be empathetic, think about people you enjoy talking to them, and what they do to make you feel good when you do talk to them. Ask questions, about the things people are talking about. I mean, obviously it depends on what you're specifically struggling with, as well.

By the way, going to clubs seems to sort of be the stereotypical go-to answer for meeting women, but since you're looking for a romantic partner, I don't really think this is the best avenue to pursue. This is probably not what you want to hear, but chances are that you'll just kind of stumble into it. Just try and meet new people in contexts where you can actually get to know each other. And y'know, don't put the cart before the horse, give people a chance to get to know you, don't treat this like it's an urgent thing you have to speed run, because otherwise you might come off as a little pushy.

The unfortunate truth is that there isn't really a secret methodology to attracting women. Women are people, and people are super different from one another. If you follow a big old book of tricks, you run at the risk of obscuring your personality, and you're not going to attract people who are compatible to you if you don't show people who you are. After all, you don't just need to find anyone, you need to find someone that meshes with you.

So uh, don't try to be something you're not, try to find people who are compatible with you. Not everyone will be. If people don't like that you're sensitive or some other fundamental aspect of your personality, those are probably not people you should be dating anyway.

and yeah, gender roles or expectations are still a thing, but I find that the more you get to know someone, the less that stuff matters, because at the end of the day, when someone is likable to you, you like them. Try to join some social clubs, try to befriend some women (and men). I would say it's probably also good not to go into it necessarily with a laser focus on finding a partner, just hang out with people and get more comfortable with putting yourself out there.
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4 days ago, 10:11 PM #5
Kelsey -Nutty- P.

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Totally agree with Kyo on all points here. I met the man I've been dating for a looong time at, of all things, a D&D gathering! We were friends before we became romantically involved.

And the point of "but deep down I know these girls do not like me for me", that right there is a confidence issue. I know you've said that's something you struggle with; lots of us do!! But there are tools out there to help with that. When you focus on improving your self-confidence without sacrificing your softness, which is indeed very possible, it'll show, for sure.

Focus on that instead of focusing on what will attract women.
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4 days ago, 10:15 PM #6
defo18

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I've been doing that. I feel like thats what ive doing it going out and trying yo improve my confidence

So i guess this means im still not there.
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4 days ago, 10:26 PM #7
MK_Wizard

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I think the problem is that you're always going after the same type of woman with the hopes of different results. I can tell you this as a married woman who went through what you did except towards men, I thought all of them were the same, but in reality, I was just going after the same type thinking a leopard would change its spots. Maybe what you need to do is look at another crowd and then you'll get different results.

The problem is absolutely NOT you though. The problem is that some specific types of people are just not compatible with you and that's ok. There's a very a special woman out there who will love you and appreciate your soft side. Another piece of advice is that instead of getting women to be attracted to you. Concentrate on them accepting you because in a real meaningful relationship, that is what a person is getting. You can be attracted to anyone, but acceptance is what is special and that also tells you the woman's level of maturity.

Lastly, I can only imagine what constant rejection does to your confidence, but you have to keep it up and remember that your confidence should not be based on what other people which includes other women think of you. You have to be your own rock first, be happy with yourself first and to learn to be happy with being alone first because you want a woman who adds to you. Not a woman to depend on.

Don't give up. Just change your strategy. Stop trying to attract women and try just approaching them as yourself. You're a smart, good man. Trust me, the woman who is right for you and worth having will come to you.
4 days ago, 10:53 PM #8
lirvilas
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Be fascinated with some discipline—totally devote yourself to its practice—and you will in turn become fascinating.
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4 days ago, 11:13 PM #9
ShaRose49

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defo18:For years I have scoured articles on the internet and talk to every therapist and relationship expert and personal friend and family female and male for most of my life about this topic.

What does a man need to do in order to be attractive and what does he not need to do?

I get it you're supposed to be confident and when I'm confident everything else will fall into place I understand that but I just don't think that's going to happen anytime soon.

There are so many mixed messages that I'm getting. It's okay being a sensitive man but at the same time I keep finding places where it's not okay

I've never been able to be a manly man and for the last 20 years I've been trying to be that but it's not coming. Which I'll be honest it's making it hard to trust or love women. I know not every woman is the same that's a given.

But I hate when everyone including my therapist keeps telling me that it's okay to be me when everything in my life has told me the opposite.

Even when I do attrack women I feel like I can't love them back because when they find out I'm actually a sensitive soft boy they will leave.

I know not every woman is the same and I know I have to be confident. Sometimes I can't help but feel like how unfair it is.
How do you love yourself when the whole world keeps telling you that the thing that you love about yourself is a flaw. we are not past gender roles as a lot of people like to believe. and I'm tired of wrecking my mind about this day and night.


Aw...I worry about this too, though from the opposite perspective. I’m a girl who does not look like a supermodel and tends to look like a tomboy. I’ve never had anyone hit on me so sometimes I worry that it’s because men do not find me attractive. But what I need to consider is that I’ve actually been exposed to very few men in my lifetime, so it’s silly to assume this.

Can I just tell you that sensitive does not equal “softy?” I know I may be different then a lot of girls, but I would think being sensitive is something girls would want, cause then they feel more understood. I’m no expert, but don’t try to be someone you’e not.
3 days ago, 12:46 AM #10
swamp
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I'd say if you're yourself (+ do your best to be polite and shower occasionally), you'll meet the kinda person you want to be with. If you play games, you'll meet the kind of girls who play games. If you go for looks, you'll meet the kind of girls who go for looks. If you're sensitive, you'll meet girls who like to talk about emotional stuff. If you're nerdy, you'll meet nerdy girls.

It sounds like a lot of your problem is that you're flirting as a manly man and dating as a sensitive guy. Most girls I know prefer guys who are a little more open and emotional, but those girls aren't gonna go for your manly man persona in the first place. It's like advertising ice cream, handing out popsicles, and getting frustrated that everybody wants ice cream. It's not that ice cream is better, it's just that when you say it's ice cream, the popsicle fans don't show up. And know there's girls who feel the same way as you, that they have to pretend to be cute and girly when it's just not them, and I'm sure they'd be relieved to drop the front too.

Also, if you meet at clubs, looks are all you have to go on. I think the recommendation for game nights is great. I met my lovely beau at... a dorm meet up for a fandom....

Obviously, nothing's universal, but the #1 thing I hear from straight girls is they get sick of guys who don't listen. My Mom said she fell for my Dad because he asked questions about her when all the other guys made her feel like she was conducting a job interview. They'd think the date went great because she's seemed so interested in their lives, and she'd be annoyed they never asked a single thing about her.
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Forum > General discussion > Cant stop thinking about romance and things are confusing.
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