Dyohna:How do you get over feeling that your art has gotten worse over the decade? I actually started tearing up upon asking that question. I honestly kind of go through this every year. Looking at old art made in middle school, shouldn't I feel like my art has come a long way? That expectation has been keeping me going. Unfortunately, I'm the same every year and somehow actively worse than where I began. Do I hate my art? No, its as mediocre as it gets. Serviceable and competent as some people put it. I'm not creative enough to give my art a special personality. I've always felt that I wasn't a creative person but my ineptitude is really starting to bother me because I want to do this for a living. Its the only thing I can do which is the saddest part of it all. All I can do is continue my futile efforts and at the end of the next decade, have nothing to show for it.
Sorry to offer a reply to a "screaming into the void" thread but I couldn't sit and let this get buried!
It kindof sounds like you're in an art rut which can happen to the best of us when you're drawing a comic in a consistent style for a long period of time.
The best advice I can give, and what's helped me is drawing stuff outside of my comfort zone trying to mimic other artists, Trying to full on paint landscapes, mimic album covers, recreate traditional media digitally....possibilities are endless! I found breaking that rut of relying on my style for all my creative outlets which naturally will kind of stagnate after a while. So challenge yourself this year! Try different things that aren't your style, try drawing the basics in different ways with different brushes, it'll breath life back into your creative flow and you're bound to learn something new.
I had a terrible panic attack at work on Saturday; it got so bad my throat seized up and I started crying in front of customers. My bosses were as accommodating and supportive as they could be, which I was grateful for.
However, I learned yesterday that I shouldn't have brought this up with my parents expecting any kind of sympathy, because they just launched into a tirade about how it's my fault I have anxiety, how my doctor's an idiot, how I spend too much time on my computer, how I used to be so bright and bubbly and what happened to you Kelsey?? You used to have it together! You can't cry at work or you're going to get fired!! You're 30 years old grow up and stop crying over everything!!!
People I directly work with treat me like shit routinely
The guy I like who was acting like my boyfriend strung me along for four months and Ive been having more and more intense suicidal thoughts
I started cutting again but stopped because my boss noticed
Im getting very close to quitting this fucking place, the pay is ok but my health is getting worse
The guy I like was really the only thing keeping me here asides from the pay and the benefits
Lost a potentially good friendship over reasons unknown to me but I can make assumptions and they're not good ones
My allegiance is to those who are alive, those who wear it on their sleeve, who do not run and do not hide. Redbubble shop| Etsy shop
I also got cut off out of goddamn nowhere and the lack of closure or explanation leaves me frustrated at a senselessly burnt bridge. You could have said something, even "I'm going to go dark for a while." Nah.
My personal laptop is starting to slow down to the point that it's getting really annoying to use. Looking at my programs list, I've only had it since January 2014, but I guess in laptop years that's pretty old and worn out. I try to disable stuff I don't use, and I really don't do much computing besides surfing the web, watching youtube videos, editing comic pages, and like using a word document. I don't need leet gaming capabilities or touch screens, I just want to be able to wake my computer up from hibernation and have it not take up to 30 seconds before i can click something, then another 30 seconds before everything loads and settles and I can actually interact with the program.
I'm a person set in my ways. Having to upgrade technology is one of my least favorite processes to go through. I have things I need, thigns I would prefer, and things I definitely don't want. Looking up reviews, most of the things that sound like what I want are over a thousand dollars or are models that are kind of old already (reviews from 2016-2017) and that makes me feel like I'd end up going through this again sooner than I want.
One thing I have going for me is that this laptop, bless it, does still function, so it's not like when my old laptop broke in half and I had no choice but to get a new one- like I can still keep using it as-is and if I do order something new, could return it if it's absolute garbage. And I still have my CDs from my first college laptop that have the old Microsoft Office on them that doesn't make me want to retreat into the woods and live off the land
Looking up reviews is too much information at once from people whose needs vary, and consumer reports went member-only so you can't actually see ratings unless you pay (though I guess I could pick up a print copy if I'm out and about soon). I know it takes time and I don't have to rush but like damn it wasn't this hard to find this laptop back when I had to make this switch
And my phone is slowing down too lol so there's another thing that is seemingly deliberately obsoleting itself
I'm a person who wishes to live a very quiet life.
That is a quote of Yoshikage Kira from JJBA that resonates with me on a very deep level. I wish to live my days unbothered by others, I want to be left alone in my corner doing whatever I'm doing and be given alone time. Unfortunately, I can't have that. People are constantly bothering me with stuff to do, their expectations, social codes and other meaningless bullshit. I don't want to deal with that. I don't know how to deal with that. I don't want to stress and tire myself trying to understand other people or society in general. I can accept people with all their default under the only condition they accept my defaults, but it always ends up by somebody not making any effort and expecting me to try to fit. I don't want to. I don't want to be part of the grey, veiny, shapeless, blind and deaf mass called society. All my life I tried to make efforts to fit in, to change and improve myself. But it's meaningless. I can make all the effort I want and it still won't be enough for other, they'll be always wanting more from me. So why even bother? If I'm never good enough, there's no point in trying, that way it's simpler. I just want to have a simple work that allows me to sustain myself and leaves me enough time to spend on my hobbies, a place to live when I can have alone time and few friends that understand my desire and need to have my private space and alone time and accept me as I am. I don't want to deal with societal norms, codes and human interactions. And while I'm on things I want, I want to be free from depression and autism. But it will never happen. Unfortunately, I am my own worst enemy. There's a huge difference between what I need and what I'm ready for that makes me feel huge dissonance and existentional pain. At the moment, I live in stress, I don't have time when I'm alone, I work too much, I don't sleep enough, and roll deeper and deeper into nihilism and apathy. Even drawing stopped bringing me joy, and that used to be one of the last things that was bringing up any emotion in me. I am basically a ghost, a broken shell of a person that continues living without any purpose or reason just because I am too big of a coward to actually kill myself. I don't want any of this, it's too complicated and I can't sustain this level of effort anymore. I want to give up everything, find a nice work that don't bother me and allows me to live and get the fuck away from society. I feel like both school, work and society in general killed every good emotion, every ambition, hope or dream I had. 16 years ago I was lost but I had hope and safety. In that spawn of time I lost hope, dreams, ambitions, soul, emotions, will to live, safety, self-esteem, confidence and feeling of purpose. I feel like if I finally managed to go on and die it would make lives of those around me better as I only make trouble and also it would give me peace that I can't have and that I desire. I want to get back to my own bubble, to my own world and I don't want to be bothered by reality. I can satisfy myself with living weekend to weekend but apparently it's too much to ask. It's too much to ask to be left alone. It's too much to ask to have peace. It's too much to ask to not be bothered. People are often telling life has its ups and downs. That's very optimistic in my opinion as I only had lows and everytime I thought it can't get worse, it had to prove me wrong be getting worse. I spent my life making mistakes. I am a mistake. I am one of these people no one cares about because they're too weird for "normal people" (yeah, like normal means anything) and too "normal" for other side. I don't fit anywhere and always fell like that extra piece of IKEA furniture that no one knows why it's here or what is doing. I always feel like I'm no one first choice or even second choice. I always feel like people are mocking or pitying me because of my lack of understanding of human nature and social interaction. I really regret to be born human. Honestly, it's a creature that developed intelligence only to be better at being dumb. At the moment we're destroying our planet like we have another planet to live. I just want everyone to fuck off from me and stop having those weird and meaningless expectations. What's worse, those expectations are often from people that are hypocrites that aren't by any means doing themselves what they're expecting from me and that bothers me greatly. I hate everything about human species. It's a mistake and should be deleted. I also hate all these people telling me to go to church or pray, saying it would make me feel better. It won't. If there's any superior force it can't be omnipotent and well meaning at the same time, and seeing how the world is made I doubt there is one. I hope there isn't. I'm scared they might be one. I'm scared of divinities, religion, and afterlife/eternal life. I really hope that when we die, it's the end. I can't imagine anything worse than eternity. I don't want to live forever, I want it all to end with my death. But it will be probably a long time before I day, unless I'm going to get killed by somebody I'll annoy by inappropriate joke at the worst possible time. Which may actually happen, as I think people should be able to joke about anything and I am perfectly fine with dying for that beliefs. I don't get angry at others for making jokes or saying things I don't like, as I believe in absolute freedom of speech. Long story short, I don't understand. I don't understand people, I don't understand life, I don't understand society, I don't understand interpersonal relations, I just want to be left alone, I want to have peaceful and quiet life, but unfortunately I don't think it's going to happen.
Sounds like you're going through a lot right now. If I can offer a few sendiments I think I may be able to help you by offering some statements that could help you feel better:
I think whats going is you're no longer conformist.
It's actually perfectly fine not to want to contort with societal norms. In fact, breaking societal norms is how we got a lot of the modern advancements in our society such as the abolition of slavery and the moon landing. When owning people as property was socially acceptable, there were people who fought to make it known that that mentality is wrong. When we didn't know anything about what was beyond our planet, there were people who built rockets and made it to the moon to help us understand the universe we inhibit.
Certinally, some aspects of the societal mentality exist to better our standard of living. Of course we shouldn't go around killing people because killing someone is in direct violation of that persons' right to exist.
I know this might come across as disingenuous , but you don't have to listen to those people who try to tell you how you need to live your own life. The only thing that really matters is how you're taking care of your own responsibilities.
I'd also like to address a few misconceptions about nihilism as well, if that is ok. It's not necessarily a bad thing to be a nihilist. I'm a nihilistic, gnostic atheist. It's nothing more than the realization that everything does not matter, which is true. Nothing matters. If this world disappeared tomorrow, nothing would change. The course of history would continue, the universe would continue to exist, and things would just move on.
That is why it is important to realize that individuals who are sentient are in control of their own destiny. You don't need cosmic importance, even in the instance that you contributed to something larger than yourself, it would not matter if that thing still has the capability to disappear. Ultimately, the wonderful thing about adapting this mentality is understanding you are someone in control of your own destiny, someone who can decide their own worth and someone who can create their own purpose.
In fact, I think that building up this mentality is a wonderful thing for you.
Ultimately, it all really boils down to this.
You stated you resonate with Yoshiga Kira from JJBA when he stated he wanted a quiet life. But I think you are better than Kira. Kira wanted a quiet life at other peoples' expense, killing people and causing needless suffering to the extent he was eventually destroyed by those he hurt. From the sound of it, you just want people in your life that understand you and can relate to you. Trust me when I tell you you aren't alone in that either.
Please PM me if you want to talk any further. You don't deserve to feel like this, you're a cool dude!
My family is dysfunctional, and it's making me constantly exhausted. If we didn't have pets, and if my mother wasn't the only one who's attempted to understand me, I would've left and never looked back a long time ago.
At the same time I feel like nothing is big enough of a problem to bring up, but it all keeps stabbing at me at once and it's getting to the point where I can no longer deal with it on my own.
My therapist doesn't understand that she's not a psychiatrist and I haven't met her since October. I'm sick of professionals treating me like a bother or "professionals" who can't understand what I'm directly telling them I need.
I told her I needed a psychiatrist. She said "Well you have me".
I told her I've been running from problems for far too long and I want to dig deep and deal with them. She said "Well you've done good so far, why bring them up again?"
I'm sick and tired of it all.
I was so stressed about returning to work today that my recurrent eczema patch on my knuckle flared so severely the itching spread up and down the adjacent phalanges, started to wrap around the circumference of the finger, and even felt like it was starting in the next finger.
Work wasn't that bad, and I used my medication and moisturizer enough through the day to tamp down the symptoms, but I think this is the worst it's been
In my own time I enjoy dressing the kind if way I'd dress if I were to go clubbing (sort of like a button down shirt over a tshirt, jeans and brown shoes), which I've never been, and I sort of wanna go to my A-level classes dressed this sort of way, but most of the students at my college (which isn't a university) dress in a kind of street-way and sadly I always feel I'd stand out if I were to go in dressed the way I want.
i'm in a constant state of existential crisis about politics at this point.
i'm not totally sure when one of my two attempts to register to vote went through after six months, but i'm not complaining. i'm gonna get an absentee ballot and vote in my swing county, since it's kind of a given what a a county with a massive college is going to vote, you know? And I'm in a swing state (voted both Obama and Trump into office... Detroit couldn't save our asses last time) so a swing county in a swing state? Yeah... my vote needs to go there.
My anxiety's also just actively awful right now. I need to go back to college. I love my home and my parents a lot, but doing nothing for three weeks makes me want die. :^) When I have too much time to think, suddenly eat 90% worse than I was (my parents don't cook and exclusively have TV Dinners and snack cakes and chips) and am now totally out of range of a gym to go work off anxieties...
I burnt myself out last semester a little bit, so there's a happy medium there I need to find.
Like, I'm still pretty anxious at college (every other time I went to Chipotle I had a panic attack??? I love chipotle but that place is sensory overload) but I'm also too busy to think about how anxious I am usually, you know what I mean?
...This doesn't sound healthy now that I'm saying it out loud. I promise I'm doing more things to help my mental health, but this is also actively aggravating my anxiety. I need to get back to where I can do things. Also this house is sensory overload - like, worse than a college dorm. I love my parents and I'm glad I came home, but it's time to go back.
danny phantom drank all my apple juice and laughed at my fanfiction please send help :^(