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"Proofreader pool", 5th Apr 2019, 5:31 PM #1
Stilldown

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As one of several non-native speakers here, it is very helpful to find a helpful native speaker who volunteers to proofread your script. On the other hand, I had to pester helpful people by asking again and again to proofread my writing; others might feel the same.
So I open the proofreader pool; all non-native speakers looking for a proofreader can post scripts here.
Some simple rules:
1. Always spoiler your script.
2. Please be reasonable in lenght of the script; you can't expect anyone to proofread a novel.
3. Please only scripts for your comic, no novels, official letters, thesis, etc.
4. Add what you can offer in return. It is a nonpaid job, but you shouldn't take help as granted, so maybe you are willing to offer fanart, a review, etc.

For the proofreaders: Please spoiler the proofread script, too.

I make the start:
The script:


What do I offer: I can translate english to german, or do a crossover fanart drawing with one of mine and your characters.
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5th Apr 2019, 9:18 PM #2
Danny McLimmon

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Since I'm a pretty good proofreader and native English speaker, doing one page shouldn't be too much trouble. I've made corrections to the asterisked notes too, since I'm not sure if those are included in your comic. Here's the corrected version, with some notes by me.



I hope this is helpful. If you have any questions, just let me know.
5th Apr 2019, 11:37 PM #3
Stilldown

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Thank you a lot for the suggestions. I've added my answers under the spoiler.

Danny McLimmon:Since I'm a pretty good proofreader and native English speaker, doing one page shouldn't be too much trouble. I've made corrections to the asterisked notes too, since I'm not sure if those are included in your comic. Here's the corrected version, with some notes by me.



I hope this is helpful. If you have any questions, just let me know.
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7th Apr 2019, 1:54 AM #4
Danny McLimmon

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No problem. If you'd like more suggestions for natural-sounding dialogue, there are a few more lines I'd consider changing. I'll leave Ariane's dialogue alone, if she's supposed to sound exotic and off-kilter.

7th Apr 2019, 2:00 PM #5
Microraptor
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First off: A thread like this was really needed, so thanks to Stilldown for creating it!

Now my question for today...
(The bold parts are the specific part I am struggling with.)

Does this snippet of dialogue sound natural?


Or would it be better if it were like this?


Or like this?


Or is there any other variant that would be better?
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7th Apr 2019, 2:10 PM #6
MSPain

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Personally, I would feel that this would be the most natural (I am a native speaker)
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7th Apr 2019, 5:28 PM #7
Microraptor
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Are there different implications for "going back" and "coming back" (for example "when will we arrive back" versus "when will we start the return trip"), or does "going back" simply sound odd?
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7th Apr 2019, 6:02 PM #8
Danny McLimmon

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To me, "coming back" would imply that the speakers are at a place where they intend to leave and later return. "Going back" implies that they intend to return to a place where they aren't currently located.

If we were at home planning to go out, we might ask "when are we coming back?", because we intend to return home later. If we've already left home, we'd ask "when are we going back?"

If the speakers aren't located in the place where they intend to return, I would say "going back" sounds natural.

To answer your earlier question about which wording sounds best, I'd say this one:

7th Apr 2019, 6:21 PM #9
Microraptor
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Thanks, that was very insightful.

One more question about "much" versus "so much" though...

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7th Apr 2019, 7:00 PM #10
Danny McLimmon

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Here's my opinion, though bear in mind, I'm not a language historian.

7th Apr 2019, 7:48 PM #11
Microraptor
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OK, thank you very much everyone! That was really helpful!
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7th Apr 2019, 10:53 PM #12
BeeMKay

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I also have a slice of script for Demon Division... My native language is German. I can offer translations of English to German in return, or proofreading of German script of equal length. Alternately, I can offer 3D art, though that offer is limited due to time, skill and content.

The scene's located in present day UK. They're supposed to talk like regular people; Dwayne's a teenager (17) and Simon's brother, Seth & Duon are both "old people" (if you go by lived years rather than looks), while Simon, Jane and Team Leader are ranging from late twenties to late 40ish. NLB is a drug, and they're mages.

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8th Apr 2019, 1:05 AM #13
Robotwin.com

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Okay, BeeMKay, here are my suggestions. hopefully it's obvious to not print the strikethroughs.


Mismatched linkages such as dashes to ellipsis seem confusing to me. It might be better if it's consistent.
8th Apr 2019, 6:17 AM #14
BeeMKay

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Wow, thank you, Robowin!

There's just one segment I have an additional question about:

Or is this just my non-native speaker's way of thinking?
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8th Apr 2019, 4:51 PM #15
Robotwin.com

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Oh! So if that's supposed to convey irony, then maybe try something along these lines:



I'm not saying use all these, but maybe you could use them all. That would really drive home the idea. Depends on how loquacious Seth is as a character.

Or you could do it kind of like this (although this is more editing than proofreading):

8th Apr 2019, 8:19 PM #16
Microraptor
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Here is another snippet of dialogue I struggle with:



(Also, I can in return proofread German too, if anybody interested.)
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9th Apr 2019, 12:43 AM #17
Danny McLimmon

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Here's how I would write it to make it sound conversational:

9th Apr 2019, 2:58 PM #18
Microraptor
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That sounds just right! Thanks!
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13 days ago, 4:02 PM #19
Stilldown

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And I have another one:

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12 days ago, 11:55 PM #20
dougwarner59

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Location: behind you
**************************************************************************

Stilldown: Here is how I would have done it....

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Vincent: Odd name, "Bedürfnisanstalt." No sign of life anywhere.

(climbing up stairs)
Vincent: Let's get to the top first so that we can get a good look of the city.
A: Pffft, whatever! We'll look inside later, boss!

(on the roof. Vincent looking at wreck, Ariane looking down the pits)
Vincent: A crashed plane from the war. Let's have a look at it!
A: I am much-much more interested in those pits!

(high angle/ establishing shot of heart-shaped pit and interior)
Vincent (off.): The awkward side of consequent functionalism. Now I get the meaning of "Bedürfnisanstalt."
A: I get a very urge-urge "Bedürfnis" right now...(Note: I don't understand this)

(two-shot)
Vincent: Do you need to use the bathroom?
A: Pffft, that's not what I mean! And you know it!

(fullshot)
Vincent: Before you kick my shin again!
A: Moan! Take me down!

(bird's eye shot of building, Ethel flying above.)
Ethel: I spy with my eye...

(low angle, Ariane, wall of the pit, Ethel peeking down. NSFW part outside of picture.)
Ethel: ...whipped topping and cream pie!(don't understand)

(3/4 shot. Ariane looking out of pit.)
A: Pffft, peeping, Ethel?(over use of the "pffft" expression.)

(medium shot. Ariane looking out of pit.)
A: A hear something approaching. sounds like a vehicle, Vinci! Put on your goggles...
Vincent (off): Wait a second... yes, a T1 pickup closing in!
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Forum > Co-Authors offered/wanted > Proofreader pool
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