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"Nyomi Reads Your Comics 3.0: The Reckoning", 23rd Nov 2019, 1:45 AM #1
Nyomi
Drum bum
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Posts: 1862
Registration date: 15th Jun 2016
Location: wherever the dogs are
Hello hello hello beautiful people of CF! I'm finally back out of moderate lurking for now (as you may have noticed by the fact that I'm posting again, wow. I just can't stay off CF, I guess!) and have realized I am... incredibly out of the loop in regards to the comics here. Hell, Wastelanders Anonymous and Raining Knives finished while I was still in hell, and I guess multiple comics I was reading are rebooting? Wild.

Point is, I want to read (and critique!) your comics. Again. Third time's the charm. Let's go.

Obligatory rules/disclaimers/whatever:

>If your comic is more than like, 200 pages, I can't promise I can read all that. College 'n all that. If it's long and you want to specify what you want me to read, that'd be fantastic - preferably no more than 100 pages or so. If you don't, I may only read the first and last chapters. Something something that's what dug my grave in the last two threads.
>I think the formatting is going to be similar to the last thread for the critique itself... just, hopefully better than those were haha!
>dont send me straight porn pls lol
>obligatory something something my opinion - I'm not gonna pull my punches here; you're getting the bonafied Nyomio experience here, full honesty. :^)

I think pulling punches is a phrase... or I made it up. Who knows with me, honestly.

Also, I saw a thread that offered reviewees fanart, and while I can't promise that (I'm notoriously flakey about art), I will make you a short music playlist of music that reminds me of your comic. Apparently, music activates the right side of your brain? It's good creative vibes, anyway, I think, and I just went through all 2,000 songs in my Spotify from middle school (ouch) and am feeling musically inspired.

All of this sound fun? Just want another reader to check in on your comic? Post down below and I'll add you the list! I'll try to get one or two done this weekend, but otherwise, no promised timeframe here unfortunately. :^( They'll happen when or if they happen.


COMICS:
1. Cafe on Crepe Island
2. Superstar Sparky
3. Tsokaka
4. Millenium
5. Ashface's Daughter
6. Re:Eclipse
7. International Academy / The Web that Caught the Spider
8. Crytpida
9. Barkham Horror
10. Seven Souls on Cherry Hill
11. Kirin the Kid
12. Angels of the Fallen
13. Project-ROAR
14. Zoneville
15. The Extras
16. Slizzard the Lizard
17. LibraryVerse
18. Ikon
19. Weird in a Can
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danny phantom drank all my apple juice and laughed at my fanfiction please send help :^(
23rd Nov 2019, 1:48 AM #2
Dyohna

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Posts: 628
Registration date: 20th Feb 2015
Location: Sugar Water Beach
I would love a review for Cafe on Crepe Island :^) The first chapter is about to end and I want to keep improving for the next chapter.
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23rd Nov 2019, 1:58 AM #3
jamanning7

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Registration date: 19th Nov 2018
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Review mine :)
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23rd Nov 2019, 2:07 AM #4
mightguy15

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Nyomi:Hello hello hello beautiful people of CF! I'm finally back out of moderate lurking for now (as you may have noticed by the fact that I'm posting again, wow. I just can't stay off CF, I guess!) and have realized I am... incredibly out of the loop in regards to the comics here. Hell, Wastelanders Anonymous and Raining Knives finished while I was still in hell, and I guess multiple comics I was reading are rebooting? Wild.

Point is, I want to read (and critique!) your comics. Again. Third time's the charm. Let's go.

Obligatory rules/disclaimers/whatever:

>If your comic is more than like, 200 pages, I can't promise I can read all that. College 'n all that. If it's long and you want to specify what you want me to read, that'd be fantastic - preferably no more than 100 pages or so. If you don't, I may only read the first and last chapters. Something something that's what dug my grave in the last two threads.
>I think the formatting is going to be similar to the last thread for the critique itself... just, hopefully better than those were haha!
>dont send me straight porn pls lol
>obligatory something something my opinion - I'm not gonna pull my punches here; you're getting the bonafied Nyomio experience here, full honesty. :^)

I think pulling punches is a phrase... or I made it up. Who knows with me, honestly.

Also, I saw a thread that offered reviewees fanart, and while I can't promise that (I'm notoriously flakey about art), I will make you a short music playlist of music that reminds me of your comic. Apparently, music activates the right side of your brain? It's good creative vibes, anyway, I think, and I just went through all 2,000 songs in my Spotify from middle school (ouch) and am feeling musically inspired.

All of this sound fun? Just want another reader to check in on your comic? Post down below and I'll add you the list! I'll try to get one or two done this weekend, but otherwise, no promised timeframe here unfortunately. :^( They'll happen when or if they happen.


COMICS:
1. Cafe on Crepe Island
2. Superstar Sparky


I'm always up to hear some tips on how to improve Tsokaka.
23rd Nov 2019, 3:36 AM #5
deo101
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Registration date: 26th Sep 2017
Location: California
I'd love to see what you think of Millennium!
I've had it reviewed before, but I think more eyes is always a good thing ^^'
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23rd Nov 2019, 6:31 AM #6
Nyomi
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Registration date: 15th Jun 2016
Location: wherever the dogs are
Man, it was a long process getting this up lol! My first version of this accidentally got wiped when the website crashed the first time tonight, and then when I went to post this draft (saved in a word document, like I should've done the first time) the website crashed again!

can i get an f in the chat boys

Anyway... TAKE TWO CAFE ON CREPE ISLAND (probably slightly more summarized this time, for time's sake!)

First impressions:
I've actually read this comic before! That said, I checked out the profile this time. PFP is the banner reformatted to work better for the profile. Your art is gorgeous. I think the description could probably use a little work. It's concise and tells me what to expect, but I don't think it draws people in very well - if I was on the fence, I don't think your description would make me want to read it anymore. Maybe try to add on to it some more personality - it feels a bit like a clinical description right now, and I think adding some flare would make it better!

Website is fantastic, love the aesthetic. Also, thank you for the fantastic cast page - made it easier for me to do this critique! That said, in the extra's page, a good chunk of your fanart is broken - it's worth trying to fix that, either to get the fanart up and running or remove it, because broken links don't look very good.

Summary
City boy moves to country. Shenanigans ensue. Secondhand embarrassment is felt throughout the country. They visit the ocean and best girl is introduced. They go under the sea and both freak out as they perform. Something something world peace.

(It was much funnier the first time around, I swear.)

Art

Okay, I adore your art. The style looks great! The colors are absolutely fantastic and I love the colors and pastels you chose. The entire thing is absolutely gorgeous and I have very few complaints - and your character design is actually top notch. I love the way the mermaids looks. I'm sure there are things you could work on, but unfortunately I'm not the person skilled enough to tell you what. :^(

That said, there was a stylistic thing that threw me for a loop. I know you're not the only person to do this, but it was a little jarring - hard, thick black lines around the characters against a lineless background. It just looks a little strange to me - especially since the architecture does have lines (except for when it doesn't - it didn't in the page in which they were travelling to the beach, so I guess even that's not super consistent?). I think it makes perfect sense the water doesn't have lines, but maybe around the palm trees (in the most recent page) or on the rocks you could throw in some lines to make the characters feel more in place? Or maybe you could change the character lineart to not a flat black in those? I'm sort of spitballing, and I will acknowledge this a subjective matter, but I think it's worth considering trying to gel those two things together better!

Writing
This was where everything got long the first time, so let's see if I can consolidate it this time!

I love your character-moments towards the end of the chapter. You write those heartfelt scenes really well, and while it's maybe a liiiitlle on the nose, it is cute and I love that kind of fluff. It just works, and it creates a real connection with your characters.

That said, I, personally, did not enjoy a lot of the humor in the first part of this chapter. It was a lot of "embarrassment" humor, and it didn't feel all that funny to me - it just felt like I was getting second-hand embarrassment and cringing in my seat a little bit. Some of the humor hits - I thought the bit with the "I'm allergic to cinnamon" was really funny, and even the princess bit made me grin a little bit, but on the whole, I think a lot of the humor in the first part of the chapter falls flat - at least for me, since humor's pretty subjective.

Also, there's occasions in which the dialogue becomes a little bit awkward - For example, Candy's line at the end of this page. The point still gets across, but it definitely reads weird - I stopped for a minute the first time I read this in ??. I would just try to double check your dialogue when you can - I know everyone says this, but maybe just double check it by saying it out loud if you can?

Also, I understand this is a minor gripe when it comes down to it, but I am really confused about the world building. Is magic just common in this universe? Berry took the mermaids really well - does he just handle this kind of thing in stride that well or-? I guess I was just under the impression from the webcomic description that this only really happened on this city, but Berry sure makes it seem like that's not the case. I just think, if you could elaborate on that in the future, I'd be okay with it!

Overall, writing-wise, I think your strongest moments are when you're actually away from the slice-of-life and more in the fantasy land. You're very good at writing character moments, but some of the more light-hearted moments don't quite reach the same level of greatness. I'd try to work on those if you're aiming for a balance of both with this comic - the story is very cute and heartwarming, though!!

Other thoughts:
I really do like this comic! It's got a very quirky charm to it that reminds me a lot of like, miss kobayashi's dragon maid, and I can't wait to see where you go from here!

Your Musical Jams:
JAMS

And that's #1, folks! Sorry if it was a little lackluster - I was kind of upset when I lost the whole first critique so I'm a little afraid that my frustration leaked into this version.
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danny phantom drank all my apple juice and laughed at my fanfiction please send help :^(
23rd Nov 2019, 7:37 AM #7
BMR

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Location: The Third World
If you've still got space, sign me right up with Ashface's Daughter!

EDIT: Fixed the URL tag, messed up on it.
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23rd Nov 2019, 8:12 AM #8
Nyomi
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i did not mean to dislike that, BMR, lmao!

i hate that dislike button sometimes

ill add you once i’m on the comp!
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danny phantom drank all my apple juice and laughed at my fanfiction please send help :^(
23rd Nov 2019, 8:14 AM #9
BMR

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Location: The Third World
Heh, no worries, I've accidentally done the same myself at times :)
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23rd Nov 2019, 9:02 AM #10
princess_lom

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Posts: 710
Registration date: 30th Jun 2013
Location: England
I'm always late for stuff like that because of time zone :(
But if you are willing still to read my comic RE:Eclipse, I would be grateful.

PS> I can see you added to your list, be aware that my english suck in first episodes xD
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23rd Nov 2019, 9:56 AM #11
fedoramoron
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hellooo!!! thank you so much for taking the time to do this!! i hope there's still room, i was right about to send this hours ago and then cf went down... im so glad it saved my draft ;v;

so, since I started my comic in 2016 and have improved rapidly since then, I don't exactly... want a critique, because I know exactly what could have been done better with all the earlier chapters (1-4 mainly; 5 is much more recent.) But I'm always looking for more eyes! I'd love to have a better idea of what to do going forward. I think what I mean is that my art and writing skills have vastly improved, but my image of how other human people see my story is very blurry. Like... people can perceive my characters differently from how I perceive them??!? what??!??!?

What would be most helpful is stuff like "[character] is the most interesting/mysterious/confusing, I want to know more about them as soon as possible" and, considering the mystery genre, any theories you form about what you feel is coming, even if it's just general vibes. I need to know if everything up to now is understandable too, or if there are specific things I need to reiterate... since I've done my share of unfortunately-written info dumps. And controlling tension is most difficult in a story like this, where I'm balancing the silly, off-the-walls shit with actual serious stuff ;v;

I hope that all makes sense. No pressure to go through with it (especially since I just realized it's a little over 100 pages) but thank you so much either way!

(comic icon and cast page will both be changed soon, so no need to comment on those)
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23rd Nov 2019, 10:56 AM #12
Dyohna

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Registration date: 20th Feb 2015
Location: Sugar Water Beach
Thank you so much and thx for already being a reader! You really opened my eyes some! I've been thinking its time to change the description so I'll figure something out.

The first like 20 pages I wrote in highschool ^^; If I think back I probably thought from Berry's point of view everything he does is a bit wrong so I tried to combat the sad boy with some levity. He's really awkward so I suppose embarrassment is the right reaction hmmm... In any case, I know there's still a lot to go over with his character but worry not, experiences shape a person! (And quickly about the links, they all work for me so there's nothing I can do)

The world building is definitely a process, I think my description says its all pretty mysterious. Keep that sense of wonder okay! And thanks for the comparison to Dragon Maid, that's one of my inspirations ; v ;
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23rd Nov 2019, 5:45 PM #13
Microraptor
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Since my comic has 400+ pages, I'll offer for the review my output from September 2018 up to today (ca. 120 pages, if that's not too much), starting from here...
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23rd Nov 2019, 6:33 PM #14
Scott D.

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Location: Southend-on-Sea
If it's too late for this, I understand, but we're still fairly new and always looking for help improving our work from fellow creators.
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23rd Nov 2019, 8:31 PM #15
Xerocorpse Boomer

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Registration date: 6th May 2017
Location: North Las Vegas, NV
I would love a critique :)
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23rd Nov 2019, 9:30 PM #16
Nyomi
Drum bum
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Posts: 1862
Registration date: 15th Jun 2016
Location: wherever the dogs are
Boomer:I would love a critique :)


ok boomer

Which comic would you like me to look at? Looks like you have two from your banner.
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danny phantom drank all my apple juice and laughed at my fanfiction please send help :^(
23rd Nov 2019, 10:46 PM #17
Xerocorpse Boomer

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Location: North Las Vegas, NV
sorry about that! it's the top banner "7 Souls of Cherry Hill" and thank you!
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28th Nov 2019, 3:57 AM #18
Nyomi
Drum bum
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Posts: 1862
Registration date: 15th Jun 2016
Location: wherever the dogs are
Fun fact: I had this one almost completely done on like, Saturday night, but I just didn't post it? And I don't know why??? I had like two sentences left to write. Oh well!

also i did it in google docs this time. there might be some weird stuff with the links as a result, but i did not have to write it twice and that's what matters hehe!

ANYWAY, without further ado, Superstar Sparky!


Superstar Sparky!

First impressions

I think your profile picture is cute! It’s the cute kind quirky, and it’s got a good energy to it. I think if all I saw was your title and this profile picture, I might click on it to check it out - it seems like the story would be a fun little ride.

The same thing, however, can’t be said for your banner or your comic description, unfortunately. Your description is two sentences, and I can’t say either of those two sentences is particularly compelling. It sounds very stock - every story begins with “something happens” and “character’s life is changed forever.” I’m not saying you can’t focus on that in your description, but try to think of what makes your story particularly unique and try to throw it in there!

Your banner! Your banner. I have very mixed feelings about your banner. I didn’t like it upon first glance, and I still think it’s much weaker than your profile picture, but it’s starting to grow on me the more I look at it. It’s got a certain charm with the coloring, and I’m not sure if it was intentional or not, but I actually really like how the banner goes outside the frame you created. That said, it’s very messy, which is what turned me off from it initially - your lining is very wonky, like you were pressing down the pen heavy and your hand was shaking. Also, I have no idea what shape the banner (...in the banner… oh boy) is - it kind of just looks like a blob. I love your hand-done coloring style, but it’s pretty wonky in this banner - the color doesn’t quite reach the letters in the flag, and it doesn’t quite look right - it doesn’t look like the quirky kind of messy, it just looks messy.
Actually, most of my issues with your banner revolve around the flag. The background is messy, but it kind of works because it’s meant to be the sky. The problem is that the flag is bright pink and the majority of the banner - it’s what’s in focus, and thus should probably be the highlight. I’d really recommend cleaning it up - make sure the pink is where it needs to be and get a reference of a flag in the air or something!

There’s no favicon, 0/10 comic.

Website’s a stock CF template, not much else to comment on this front other than I personally don’t particularly like this template, and if you ever get the chance you should make one specifically for your comic. I’m not saying you have to html code, but even maybe just try using the simple layout editor? Just a little something else would make the website look unique and draw me in a little more.

Summary!
Clown does clown things. A duck shows up? He takes off his hat and it’s very uncanny valley. Does the duck give ice cream to Death??? The frog says, “fuck you,” and he eats it. Clown gripes about not being famous. Death disagrees and nopes the hell out, giving vague advice in the process like the mysterious “mentor” always does. He harasses Death, does a shounen and flies.

Art!

http://superstarsparky.thecomicseries.com/comics/3 is the reason I can’t sleep at night. He looks very bizarre without a hat on, but anyway…

It’s a very cute style, on the whole. I think the duck is cute, I think magic-clown-man is cute, and I think the frogs that keep showing up are well drawn. You also have pretty good motion within your drawings - the characters move in a very fun way to watch, so there’s that.

I think a significant portion of your problem is that it is messy messy messy. To the extent I kind of can’t always tell what’s happening, which is kind of a problem. The backgrounds are kind of scribbled, and sometimes your straight up draw things on top of other things - http://superstarsparky.thecomicseries.com/comics/14. Everything feels like I’m looking at your sketches, and that’s kind of a major turn-off for me. The whole thing really needs to be cleaned up, I think - it feels like you could really have something here if you just spend a little more time on the pages, because as it is, it looks very sloppy.

Also, I want to mention this - I think your panelling on the whole is excellent, but I also think on occasion the line of action gets mixed up and I have no idea where I’m meant to look. In particular, your most recent page: http://superstarsparky.thecomicseries.com/comics/15. Between the last two panels, the line of action goes to opposite corners of a page, and I just had no idea where I was meant to look - I actually believe I skipped the second-to-last panel altogether the first time I read it. Also worth noting that the third panel’s line of action actually goes up into the top-right corner - I think this page on the whole was just weak as far as composition is concerned, actually. On the whole, the panelling seems to be good - just try to be aware of the line of action and where your viewer is looking, so my brain isn’t going in circles trying to find where I’m supposed to be looking.

Also, I definitely do want to make a quick note that I think you should probably keep working on anatomy, even if you’re going for a more cartoony style. Sometimes things get discernibly off-model (especially with mr. Clownman Sparky) and Dr. Death-defying looks particularly wonky at times. She suffers from the sloppiness of the linearting the worst - sometimes she kind of turns into a blob - so I think try to be particularly careful with how you draw her in the future.

You are a very imaginative artist - you just need to work on refining a lot of the more technical aspects and I think you’ll really have something here!

Writing

Well… you’ve only got 14 pages here, so I’ll do my best, but it’s kind of hard for me to critique the beginning exposition in a prologue alone, haha!

Full disclosure, I was definitely a little bewildered reading this, but I think that’s what you were going for? It definitely has a lot of charm to it - I can tell you’re having fun writing this, and it’s a very bouncy and energetic feel to it.

That said, I was definitely in a state of mild confusion for most of this. I wasn’t really sure what or why things were happening. Things just kind of happened. There wasn’t a rhyme or reason for it, and I was sort of just left feeling a little lost. I get the idea that’s what you’re going for, so I won’t dig into it too deep, but it’s definitely a little bit confusing and not totally my vibe.

I think you need to be wary not to stress the reader’s suspension of disbelief too hard, even if what you’re going for is silly, nonsensical fun. I was not expecting main character clown man to jump in the air in the middle, and that completely threw me for a loop - I had a hard time taking the rest of the events serious after that, and I don’t mean that in a good way. Just be careful with that going forward - although considering there were only 14 pages, establishing this whimsicalness early is a good move!

Overall, I don’t really have much else to add, because you only have 14 pages and I can’t judge anything other than very surface level stuff with that, haha. :^)

SICK JAMS
Your entire comic screamed electroswing to me, but I tried to vary it up anyway, haha.

Final Thoughts:

Your comic is pretty short, and I believe I saw that you had some other people review it already? While I didn't read the critiques, I wouldn't be surprised if I either repeated them or even contradicted them, haha. There's only fourteen pages, so I'm not sure if there was a ton to be said!

Despite that, I can tell you are having a ton of fun with the comic. You definitely have areas to improve on, but I think this could end up being a fun, bouncy adventure at the end of it. Your passion behind the project is what's going to push this to greater levels, so just keep working! I look forward to seeing where you go from here.


EDIT: WAIT I HAD ONE MORE THING TO ADD ON THE WEBSITE

Don't have your banner take us to the archive page!! People are lazy and might click off if that happens!! Don't have extra clicking involved - have it take them to either the first or most recent page.
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danny phantom drank all my apple juice and laughed at my fanfiction please send help :^(
28th Nov 2019, 8:36 PM #19
kyrinthekid

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Registration date: 5th Jan 2017
Location: delaware
It'll be nice to see you take a look at Kirin the kiD

mah comic
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28th Nov 2019, 8:54 PM #20
BustyLaroo

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Registration date: 5th Feb 2019
Location: Canada
Hello! When/if you have time, I would very much appreciate some feedback on Angels of the Fallen. :)
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Forum > Critique > Nyomi Reads Your Comics 3.0: The Reckoning
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