Just something I wrote as a self-reflection on my deviantart a while back and felt like sharing it here as well.

Bo Burnham - Art is Dead

Art is dead
Art is dead
Art is dead
Art is dead

Entertainers like to seem complicated
But we're not complicated
I can explain it pretty easily

As we enter the 20th year of the 21st century, it made look back and see how it defined myself as an artist over the years and also tell a bit about myself.

Warning: profanities and self-deprecation inbound

Have you ever been to a birthday party for children
And one of the children won't stop screaming
Cause he's just a little attention attractor
When he grows up to be a comic or actor
He'll be rewarded for never maturing
For never understanding or learning
That every day can't be about him
There's other people you selfish asshole

As an artist, many of us seek approval for our work. We find joy when we get to express ourselves with our medium and get to share it with others who also share the same sentiments. And that’s what I love about being an artist, but the problem is how that tends to stroke my ego.
Back in my mind, I sometimes feel that there’s annoying entitled kid that keeps screaming to” pay attention to me!”, “it's all about me”, “pander to me!”.

I really hate that.

I hate that bastard, to the point that I really punch him in the face and tell him to shut up and scream at him that “not everything is about you, ya’ cunt!”.
But who am I kidding?

I do crave the attention. Many of us do. I post my work as a way of expressing myself and sharing it with others who would love what I made.
What I don’t like is, how it tends to lead myself into this path. I really want to try and remain humble, making my art is my way of expressing myself, I find joy doing them and it makes me even happier when I see people enjoy them. I know that I want people to notice me, but I also hate that it leads to unhealthy attention seeking.

Which also leads to the other issue, my disdain for faves/likes.
Why I hate this? As my friend linked me to a post; it's like a show, wherein you pour your sweat and blood into it, only to be greeted by silence from the audience.
It means jack shit to me.

Look, I know that they like one of my works and may not have anything to say, I can appreciate that; but when you keep getting nothing but faves all the time (especially from the same people, who I feel just faves/likes for the heck of it) it gets really frustrating.
Being an artist, we seek compliments and criticism from people, as a way of knowing how we are appreciated for our efforts, help us improve and grow into better artists, and get to interact with our fans. And getting nothing but faves and likes starts to feel shallow and hollow.
You can be sure that hearing the deafening sound of silence, is such a great show of appreciation and support.

I must be psychotic
I must be demented
To think that I'm worthy of all this attention
Of all of this money you worked really hard for
I slept in late while you worked at the drug store
My drug's attention
I am an addict
But I get paid to indulge in my habit
It's all an illusion
I'm wearing makeup
I'm wearing makeup

But yeah, a part of me still feels wrong that I'm taking these gifts for granted. In a way, I should be happy that at least some people know and appreciate me, that's something I'm thankful for.
Sometimes, it's just tough to find the fine line between being appreciative of what I had built up and getting the love and support from what I do, to feeling that I deserve more than what I already have and my needs need pandering to. Thy ego needs stroking

Aside from drawing, I collect toys, make custom figures, do other crafts, listen to music, and I may have a passion for comedy.

I enjoy humor and comedy, as evident in my works, I like making funny stuff and making other people laugh from them. Because who doesn't need a bit of laughter now and then.
Now, I don't define myself as a comedian, because that would fall within the purview of your conundrums of your own definitions (heh, conundrums), but I can say that I am a humorous person. And that's a good thing, given how much of a bitter, cynical, pessimistic, nihilistic (not so much nowadays) person I can be.

Yes, you heard me. I tend to see many things negatively, especially how humanity is a doomed race. I don't really remember when, but I had always been a pessimist; now don't get me wrong, I don't see everything in a grimdark light (heh, light), but it's so easy to lose hope for humanity given how much fucked up everything is. Sure, there will be good people out there making the world better, but you can be sure there will be more assholes ready to ruin it for the rest of us.

And it only amplified my sentiments when I started working on a retail like store and still working there until now. By god, I hate working there, the phrase "stupid until proven otherwise" rings too true. I really wanted to leave that place and finally find a job that I really love and enjoy, but I can't due to circumstances (its some personal stuff, and this is about defining myself as an artist and not my autobiography).
Maybe that's why I have a huge appreciation for humor, because we can always make fun of our problems and people can easily relate to that shit. And we all know how laughable shit is. (heh, shit)
What I'm trying to say is, maybe that person you know online is different in real life, we can't be certain about anything over their circumstances.

I mean, we all wear masks, right?

Its much easier to hide behind a facade and lie about ourselves, rather than show our vulnerability and weakness or who we truly are. Call it human nature or defense mechanism, doesn't change the fact that we all keep secrets.
But I'm not here to judge you for that, because that's where art comes in and the great thing about art is expressing yourself. Its so enlightening to express that dark side whenever you feel the need to vent the shit out of your frustrations and anger residing inside of you, a great escape from the daily grind, drudgery, and bullshit.
So yeah, we wear mask to hide stuff and ugly truth, but doesn't mean we can't express them in other ways.

Speaking of which, I love making comics. Because comics are a great way to tell stories and invoke imaginations. And I was inspired by a webcomic to start my own webcomics and its also the very same webcomic that drove me to depression.

Said webcomic is based on a very popular MMORPG (no its not WoW), which I was also a huge fan of. Reading and enjoying it was what motivated me to start my own comics from same said game. Now, I was still young and naive, that I don't know much about plagiarism; but yeah, I did use some of the same ideas on my own comics whenever I'm having writer's block and on my defense those were only on the earlier pages, the later were all my own.
After making enough pages, I felt confident enough to show my works on that comics' forum and that's where things went downhill.

At first, there wasn't much any issues, but then they started noticing the similarities. I didn't deny that I did copied a few ideas on my earlier pages and the later ones are of my own, and I did apologize for what I did. But, fuck no. These guys are out for blood.

They were relentless in trying to tear me a new one and I can't even try to reply properly without one or two, trying to be hateful. I couldn't fault them since they were defending the comics as fans, but by god, were they hurtful. It had come to the point that the thread had to be locked up to stop them.

The very comics that inspired became the very thing I hate.

As for me, let's just say I don't want to go through something like that again. I could say that its just a minor despression, but man, do the feeling of having a huge weight crushing you is never a great experience. I did managed to get back on my feet.
I had a talk with myself, saying that I'm stronger than this and fuck all those assholes, I don't need them and they can all rot for all I care.

So, yeah, the first thing I did was quit that forum, put all these behind me and focus on doing my own thing. That was the best decision that I made.

I did continue on making my comics, made my first 100 which was a big feat, until eventually the game's fad died down and I also moved on as well. Sadly, I also lost all my files when I had to reformat my old PC and never recovered them.

Honestly, I was glad to have went through this, since it made learn some important lessons from this experience. One, plagiarism, bad; and two, what its like to be a receiving end of the terrible side of the internet.

As for that webcomic. Last I checked, it stopped updating and I haven't heard or seen any new news or art from the creator. But I don't bear any grudges, and wherever he may be or whatever he's doing: godspeed and good luck with your endeavors.

Art is dead
So, people think you're funny
How do we get those people's money?
I said art is dead
We're rolling in dough while Carlin rolls in his grave
His grave
His grave

This show has got a budget
This show has got a budget
And all the poor people way more deserving
Of the money won't budge it
Cause I wanted my name in lights
When I could have fed a family of four
For forty fucking fortnights
Forty fucking fortnights!

Honest talk, those people who say that money doesn't make the world go round or that money isn’t everything, clearly haven’t experienced having no money. Of course you need money! How else would be able to live in comfort with even the basic necessities of life?

While I can’t say that I’ve experienced it myself, having to constantly deal with obnoxious, stuck-up, entitled people is pretty much my reason for wanting money. As I’ve said before, I want to earn more than enough that I can finally quit my sucky day job and live through doing what I really love. And I’m not saying that I want it to be served on a silver platter, I know enough that you need to work for it. But hey, that doesn’t stop me from hoping.

Ironically, I know I’m pretty much selling myself short with my commission prices, but I still feel guilty about increasing my prices over the fear the people would find my prices too high and stop commissioning me. Hell, even with my prices, I still don’t get enough commission than I would have thought.
*Sigh* So, yeah. I need the money yet I’m selling myself short and afraid to ask for more…

Yeah, I think that's pretty much it.
You're free to take everything with a grain of salt or whatnot. I didn't write this to gain sympathy, support, or announce that I'm going on some big hiatus. And I'm already hating myself for thinking that this whole thing is just me seeking attention.
This is just pretty much a self reflection of how the years defined myself as an artist, all the good, the bad, and the cream between the cookie.
Overall, I could say that its not bad. I mean, there's a LOT of things that I want to change, but right now, its still bearable.

I'm not sure how to end this, whether positively, negatively, or just neutral.
Its a new year, a time for new beginnings and to look towards a bright future… I've been telling myself that for years now to the point of why I even bother. Still, despite how much I’d been battered through the years, somehow I still hold on to that strand of hope everything will work out for me. And that strand is slowly getting thinner and thinner.
I suppose the world need pessimists to keep the optimists grounded, to tell them you just can’t look towards a bright future, you also need to look at the bad side of it.

I am an artist
Please God, forgive me
I am an artist
Please don't revere me
I am an artist
Please don't respect me
I am an artist
You're free to correct me

A self-centered artist
Self-obsessed artist
I am an artist
I am an artist
But I'm just a kid
I'm just a kid
I'm just a kid, kid
And maybe I'll grow out of it.