Forum > Critique > I'll make you a sandwich.
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5th Sep 2020, 2:20 AM #21
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I hate to come out of the gate with negative feedback, but I think your art could use some work here. It's kind of difficult to tell what's going on a lot of the time. The text helps keep things a little on track, but you really want to have your art and writing work together.


I had many others say things like this before. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. It's something to improve for sure.

Snowcone's analysis was spot on. I could cry if I wasn't in a decent mood right now.

The links are a good idea. I wonder what parts you'll link.
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5th Sep 2020, 4:21 AM #22
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Incoming knuckle sandwich for Magical Bad Girl Lovely Miracle!

Top bun: A magical girl with a violent streak who goes around hitting her foes with a blunt weapon? That sounds familiar. Clearly this one appeals to my personal tastes, but I'll try to tamp down my bias and give a useful review here.

Filling: What you see is what you get, at least so far. The main character has quite the delinquent reputation and has no problem getting her hands dirty. She's not totally callous, of course. Her interpersonal woes are clearly very troubling for her, and it seems she feels that the bad reputation she has is undeserved.

Seeing her in a fight is something else. This girl doesn't know when to quit. Her aggression and sheer audacity is so off-the-charts that she's mistaken for being literally demon-possessed. So that ought to give you an idea of what kind of personality we're dealing with here. If only the comic wasn't put on hiatus right into the middle of the fight...

Bottom bun: This one's off to an action-packed start, but the story's still in the early stages of "magical girl obtains and uses her magic for the first time." It's practically a requirement for these kinds of stories, but the overarching story awaits! Get cookin' man!
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5th Sep 2020, 12:04 PM #23
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This one's off to an action-packed start, but the story's still in the early stages of "magical girl obtains and uses her magic for the first time." It's practically a requirement for these kinds of stories, but the overarching story awaits! Get cookin' man!


Don't worry, I'm in the kitchen workin' on it! Thanks for the kind words and for not ragging on me making ANOTHER badass Magical Girl series! (I didn't know this was a thing when I started forming the story back in 2017 ^_^; )


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5th Sep 2020, 2:52 PM #24
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Dan with a Plan:Thanks for the kind words and for not ragging on me making ANOTHER badass Magical Girl series!


That's poor critique form, knocking a comic merely for its genre. And considering my own comic is kind of the same thing, I'd be a massive hypocrite if I did.

Merged Doublepost:

Early bird sandwich for Vápnthjófr Saga!

Top bun: Okay, so this one's a historical fiction with furry characters in a Norse setting. That's a fairly unique combination of elements that I haven't seen before.

Filling: When I think of furry comics, there's usually an element of fantasy or at least a sort of "far-flung reality" that comes to mind. But this comic feels very grounded. The Weapon Thief is the only larger-than-life character. Everyone else is, for the most part, a typical everyday person living an ordinary but robust life.

The author's notes offer bits of context here and there, showing off the research done for this comic, but even without reading those, I get the sense that this setting and these characters are as true to life as can be. It shows in their designs, which use as little anthropomorphism as possible while still being more than a 1-1 recreation of real animals (animals I am assuming are native to the region you are writing about). It shows, also, in how the characters act, their simple domestic moments and their fears as the threat of war encroaches on their lives. The story has a very genuine feel to it, and that's no easy task to accomplish.

Bottom bun: There is a huge rising suspense in this story. These are just ordinary people, facing the very real threat of their homes and families being ravaged by war. What will happen? Can the threat be averted? Who will have to die if it can't? Both the characters and the audience are facing these uncertanties.
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5th Sep 2020, 5:04 PM #25
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melaredblu:The story has a very genuine feel to it, and that's no easy task to accomplish.



Thanks alot! I'm very glad you think so.

melaredblu:(animals I am assuming are native to the region you are writing about)


Yes, pretty much all of them. The one exception is the very minor bearded vulture character, and he's in this setting because he's a foreign monk on a futile quest to convert some vikings. :)
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5th Sep 2020, 11:47 PM #26
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Last order for Table 7, The Seven Deadly Wishes.

Top bun: That first page (and the prologue as a whole) gives me some massive 2001 Space Odyssey vibes, presenting this sort of philosophical monologue with a backdrop of pretty-looking cosmic imagery.

Filling: The actual comic doesn't really line up with the art style or the narrative of the prologue, as mesmerizing as it is. What the story really seems to be is a science fiction/military action series. The story opens with Finx, a boy living on an alien planet who wants to master a gliding device in emulation of his father and his older brother, Zaxi, who is away at war. The family Finx lives with is supportive, though understandably uneasy about this notion. There's a nice sense of closeness with the family--a mix of tender moments and humor--to endear the characters to the reader.

Then, we move along to meet Zaxi himself, and the bulk of the story from this point on showcases the military forces and the first battle of the series, chock full of chaotic fighter pilot action. These scenes are very nicely done, with a sense of real scale and altitude. You have quite the talent for not only drawing machinery, but making it look dynamic in motion. The visuals as a whole are a mixed bag; the biggest issue I have is the characters look too much alike, so it's hard to tell them apart. On the other hand, dat art evolution! In a relative small span of pages, we go from extremely simple, unrefined drawings to something quite stunning. So I really can't knock the art much, because you are clearly pushing yourself to improve and you've achieved an impressive amount of progress very quickly.

I would consider getting some proofreading assistance, though. I'm not sure if English is your first language or not, but the dialog reads pretty clunky and there are a lot of spelling and grammar mistakes.

Bottom bun: It's rare that I see a comic that focuses on fighter pilot action. You really have a knack for capturing the tension and sheer velocity of the battle in a way I would normally only expect to see in animated form, and it's genuinely thrilling to watch.





That's it for now. I might clear a new table later, but I'm gonna take the weekend off. For those of you who came to the restaurant too late and still want to place an order, check back in later if you want to snag a spot when I open up again, because I don't take reservations.
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6th Sep 2020, 12:01 PM #27
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Thank you so much for this!
I'm really glad that the story as you summed up is in line with what I thought to transmit so far.


melaredblu:The actual comic doesn't really line up with the art style or the narrative of the prologue, as mesmerizing as it is. What the story really seems to be is a science fiction/military action series.

This is fine, at first the story have to seem like this,


melaredblu:
You have quite the talent for not only drawing machinery, but making it look dynamic in motion.

Of course to avoid to get crazy, I did from scratch 3d models of the ships and planes than I use them as guidelines.
Anyway, i started without any experience in digital drawing, and almost none in body drawing, just i keep experimenting.
About the similar characters, yeah I'm aware of it, bw and military uniforms doesn't helps. I managed to differentiate them later, for example you can recognize zaxi because he have the glasses pulled up...


melaredblu:
I would consider getting some proofreading assistance, though. I'm not sure if English is your first language or not, but the dialog reads pretty clunky and there are a lot of spelling and grammar mistakes.

In fact I'm Italian, my English is rubbish, I'll look for someone for sure.
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8th Sep 2020, 4:19 AM #28
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Well, that was actually kind of fun, so I think I'll open up shop for another table of 7. Grab a seat while there's still room. If you were one of the people asking for a spot earlier, make a request now, or somebody else might swipe it.
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8th Sep 2020, 4:45 AM #29
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Care to review Tsokaka?

Merged Doublepost:

melaredblu:Well, that was actually kind of fun, so I think I'll open up shop for another table of 7. Grab a seat while there's still room. If you were one of the people asking for a spot earlier, make a request now, or somebody else might swipe it.


Care to review Tsokaka?
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8th Sep 2020, 5:49 AM #30
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Hi im early for once! I would like one pegasus project sandwich please! :)
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8th Sep 2020, 4:17 PM #31
formerly DrFurball
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Mind if I place an order for a Weird in a Can review sandwich?

No pickles, please.
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8th Sep 2020, 5:02 PM #32
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I'll take a sandwich if you've still got room
(link in banner)
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9th Sep 2020, 1:46 AM #33
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I want a sandwich too please!

The link is in my banner too :D
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9th Sep 2020, 2:31 AM #34
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Can I get a Sandwich? Lightly toasted, please.

Link right there.
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Çet!

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9th Sep 2020, 6:51 PM #35
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First of a new batch of sandwiches, starting with Tsokaka!

Top bun: The profile description got my attention right off the bat. A lone human in a fantasy world who has Kirby powers (arguably making the human the weirdest one in the cast)? Rad!

Filling: But either that human hasn't been introduced yet, or is in disguise to be revealed later. The actual story so far focuses on a trio of bounty hunters targeting a buff guy and his posse of weird kids.

That, of course, was still fun to read in its own right. The encounter slips in some cheeky anime references, but the real fun comes from how the "fight" plays out. The whole thing is a clash not so much of strength and skill, but of personality. Everyone involved clearly has a few screws loose, which works out just great for a fantasy comic. The way the guy is dispatched is funny and unexpected, too. If I were to nitpick things, I'd say your anatomy could use some work, but it still does the job. And meanwhile, I'm still left wondering when Human Kirby is gonna show up!

Bottom bun: This comic's strong point for me is the humor. It has a similar vibe to Fairy Tail, JJBA, and other comedic shounen anime.
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9th Sep 2020, 7:12 PM #36
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Thanks so much for the review! I'm stoked you like it! Tsokaka is appearing soon, I rather enjoy build up!
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9th Sep 2020, 7:16 PM #37
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ill take one if theirs still a slot open. :v/
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image check it out =]
9th Sep 2020, 7:22 PM #38
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You got it, Reddog f.13. And with that, the table is full. More sandwiches to come.
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10th Sep 2020, 5:57 PM #39
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Pegasus Project, your sandwich is ready!

Top bun: Furries with neon hair that pilot high-tech mech suits. Sure, you got my attention.

Filling: I'll be honest, it's hard to give a substantial review for a comic this new. At only 11 pages (longer-than-average pages, albeit, but my point still stands), the story is still in the midst of establishing the characters and premise, so it's hard for me to give you meaningful feedback on the story yet.

But for the sake of trying to be helpful, I will sum up what I observe so far. The story opens with Sho, who is returning to school after a hospital stay. Right away, Sho is identified by another student as a Valkyrie, a title for someone capable of piloting some sort of military-grade mech suit. Later that day, Sho's house is invaded by a shady-looking character who wants...something. Exactly what is unclear as of yet, but it is likely related to Sho's Valkyrie status. We then see a snippet of some scientists doing some test runs on a Pegasus, the name of the mechs Valkyries control. The testing doesn't seem to be successful. Meanwhile, we return to Sho's house, where another resident intervenes on the invader and...that's about where it leaves off. As an additional observation, it seems that LGBT themes will probably be an important aspect of Sho's character, and possibly the story at large (I do like how you use backgrounds to convey information about characters). I also get a sense of tension and bitterness in many of the character interactions. Most everyone has a bit of a cynical edge, telling me this story will probaly skew on the darker side.

I'm also seeing a lot of typos in your dialog, so either take some time to proofread your stuff better or ask for a second pair of eyes.

Bottom bun: I get a bit of an Evangelion feel from this comic so far. As this story is still new, mostly what would bring me back is simply seeing where it goes from here.
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10th Sep 2020, 7:27 PM #40
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Thanks so much for the review! thanks for pointing out the typo issue, I usually miss a lot of them. Ill definitely try to improve on that part.
Also evangelion is a pretty heavy inspiration on pegasus project so im not surprised that you picked up on that. Thank you again! :)
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Forum > Critique > I'll make you a sandwich.
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